ANGER!

What is anger? When do you feel anger? How do you express your anger? Is anger good or bad? When is anger good, when is it bad? How does your child express anger? What is your response to your child’s anger?

 

Anger as defined by dictionary.com- noun.

1. A strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

 

In The Anger Workbook Les Carter & Frank Minirth define anger as: an intent to preserve 1. Personal worth (need to feel respected or valued) 2. Essential needs and 3. Basic convictions.

 

Some angry moms came up with a great organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). When people get angry about poverty and injustice social change will occur. There are many good reasons for us to feel anger.  The problem comes with how we express anger.

We have some choices:

·         Suppress our anger, push it down, and pretend it doesn’t exist. (It will rear it’s ugly head in another way) A child may choose this method if they feel the authority figure will not allow anger.

·         Use aggression, somebody else suffers as a result of our anger. Such as the child who hits the sibling who destroys their Lego creation.

·         Use Passive/Aggressive Anger: somebody else suffers as a result of our anger, but it’s done in a quieter manner, not as easily identified. An example of this would be the child who is angry at their parents so they purposely do poorly in school.

·         Let it go. You can decide that it’s not worth taking action or you are unable to control the circumstances so you can choose to let it go. The older sibling may realize that the toddler accidently destroyed the Lego creation and choose to let it go.

·         Express our anger in an assertive manner. This is done by expressing your anger verbally directly with the person with whom you are angry while considering the needs and feelings of others.

 

Some ways to help your child express their anger:

·         We can help our children learn to express their anger appropriately by modeling one of these last two methods: choosing to let it go, or express it in an assertive manner. Our child is watching and learning from how we respond when we are angry. When we blow it (and we all do) apologize to the person. This will be a powerful example to your child! You are the one who sets the atmosphere of your home; you are the trainer in anger management. Be a model of someone who manages their anger appropriately.

·         Give your child words for their feelings. When your child hits their sibling, you can say, “You are really anger that your brother destroyed your Lego creation.”

·         Encourage your child to use their words not act out. “Hitting is not allowed, when you are angry (or when your sibling destroys your Lego’s) use your words. You can ask younger children to make a drawing to show how angry they are. (Punching a pillow can be a step in learning to express anger appropriately- it is not what we are aiming for, but it is better than punching a sibling.)

·         Let your child know that you will accept their angry feelings. You can do this verbally as well as non-verbally.

·         Commend your child when they do use their words. “I’m proud of the way you used your words. You didn’t take it out on your sibling.”

 

As I observe people I notice that most people are uncomfortable with anger, and many adults do not know how to express their anger appropriately. What a gift you can give your child by teaching them early that anger is a normal and sometimes helpful part of life, and there are appropriate ways of expressing your anger.

If you have a child who has a real struggle expressing anger I highly recommend reading Ross Campbell MD’s book How to Love Your Angry Child.

 

 

Helping Your Child Express All of their Feelings

While talking about communication I suggested that you listen for the feelings your child is expressing. Most of us are comfortable with our child expressing “positive” feelings such as happy, excited or thankful, but how do you feel when your child is expressing anger, fear or sadness? Ask yourself… in our home are some feelings more acceptable than others? Do you or someone you know give out a clear message that some feelings are NOT acceptable? Most everyone is more comfortable with “positive” feelings, than “negative” feelings. The truth is we all experience a range of emotions from ecstatic to rage. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are, and they indicate what is going on inside of us. I equate feelings with the warning signals on my car dashboard; they alert me to what is going on inside ‘my motor.’ I can ignore the warning signal but that doesn’t mean a problem isn’t there.

As I write this I am reminded of sending our oldest off to college. Often when I told friends how sad I was they would try to talk me out of my sadness, or convince me it was a good that my child was independent and off at college, and more stuff like this. All of this was true, but what I really wanted was someone to hear me and say, “This is really hard for you, you miss your child.” Then I would have felt heard and understood.

I have grown to understand that our children appreciate being heard and validated as well.

Your child will be healthier emotionally and physically if they are able to express all of their feelings in an appropriate way and have their feelings validated. Feelings not expressed will show up in some other way in their life: perhaps through a burst of anger, temper tantrum, depression, stomachache or social withdrawal.

As a parent it is helpful when you try to understand your child’s feelings, name the feeling and validate them (just acknowledge that they exist). If your child says, “I hate my brother” instead of scolding them for mean talk, or trying to talk your child out of their feeling or denying their feeling try responding like this, “wow- you seem really angry that your brother smashed your Lego creation.”  

Or if your child is afraid of going to bed at night, try “I understand that you’re scared, I was scared when I was your age. I’ll come and read you a story and sit with you for a few minutes.” (You acknowledge that your child’s fear is real- you let them know you used to have a similar fear and survived- we all had/have fears). If faith is an important part of your family’s life this is a great time to pray with your child as well.

When your child is crying because her pet goldfish died, it is easy to respond, Honey it’s just a goldfish and we can get you a new one.” A more validating approach would be something like this, “You seem sad, you really liked your goldfish- you will miss it!”

            Remember that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. We all experience a range of feelings. You and your child will be healthier when you are able to express your feelings in a safe place and have them validated. With some practice it will become a natural part of your communication.

 

Lessons in Listening Number 3

 

Here’s a simple and effective communication tool I learned from: How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk (a book I highly recommend).

After you listen with full attention (listening blog #1), and restated back to your child the feelings you heard them express (listening blog #2), try giving your child their wishes in fantasy. A simple example might go like this: when your daughter wants a strawberry yogurt and all you have is blueberry you could reply, “You really want strawberry yogurt- I wish I had some to give you!” Through this response you let her know you heard her and wish you could give her what she wants. You can follow up by saying, “we do have blueberry yogurt, would you like some of that?”

I have often seen this simple technique defuse a possible battle.

Perhaps it is a rainy day and your son is complaining about not being able to play outside. He might even complain or whine, “There is nothing to do inside!” How about responding, “What a bummer, you can’t go outside and play today, I wish I could snap my fingers and make this a beautiful sunny day so you could go outside and play.”

I remember a time years ago, we had just moved and my 7 year old was sad and missing his old friends. I said, “I wish we could have them all come and visit! What would you want to do with them?” Our conversation turned to what he would like to do with his friends, and what he would want to show them in his new community. I sensed that he felt heard and his feelings were understood. And as he talked about what he would show old friends it gave him an opportunity to express himself more.

I remember when I first read about “giving your child their wishes in fantasy” I thought that was too simple. It couldn’t possibly work. Yet over and over as I tried it I watched it help my children feel understood. Give it a try and let me know if it works for you!

 

Lessons in Listening Number 2

Last time I challenged you to listen to your child’s communication with “thoughtful attention: give consideration.” I asked you to give full attention to your child and to make an effort to understand what your child is trying to communicate.  How did you do?

The idea is to listen and understand your child before responding to them.

When you’ve listened you’ll be able to repeat back what your child said and express their feelings. (Feelings fall into four general categories: mad, sad, glad and afraid.)  Here’s an example: your child lost their new Happy Meal Toy, she tells you through sobs, “I lost my toy.” You know the value of that toy and you know that in an hour she will not even remember the toy, so it’s easy to say something like, “We have lots of toys at home” or “That was just a cheap toy, you’ll forget about it.” Instead, having paid thoughtful attention and considered the issue from her vantage point, you may give her a hug and say, “You are really sad you lost that toy, you really liked it!” Responding like that communicates that you heard your child and understand how she feels. It takes no more energy than the first two responses, it does not require frantic searching for the toy, or even replacing it, yet it lets your child know you understand and care.

Even though this may seem trivial to you, in the moment those feelings are very real to your child and you have taken the time to validate her feelings.

When you name the feelings your child expresses try to match their level of emotion. If your child is sobbing, saying something like “oh, you seem sad” misses the depth of her sobs. But you don’t want to over do it either. If your child is only a little upset you don’t want to make a huge deal of it. Try to match their level of emotion.

Sometimes we misunderstand what our son or daughter is trying to communicate. If they feel validated they, generally, will correct you. You may think they are sad when they are angry. They will let you know and then you can reframe your response to new things they have told you. My experience is that they will know and appreciate the fact that you are trying to understand.

Here is one of my favorite examples: it is late fall and your son is hot and wants to take off his jacket, how often do we respond, “No it’s cold you must keep your jacket on!” If I was listening I might say, “Oh, you’re hot, it feels cold to me. Go ahead and take off your jacket if you want.”  Just because we are cold doesn’t mean our child is cold, we can listen and validate their experience of feeling hot.

Go ahead and give it a try. Listen with full attention, try to pick up on the feeling your child is expressing and while matching their level of emotion restate what you have heard.

 

 

 

Listen to your Children

My next few blogs will address how to improve your communication with your child. Some of the wonderful benefits of good communication with your child:

• You will get to know and understand your child better, each child is unique
• You can improve your relationship with your child
• Through communication you can let your child know you love them
• You will learn from your child
• And you will be better able to comfort and help them with problems

 

Some of you may be familiar with the quote from the Bible that says, “…take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19). Did you notice the encouragement to be quick to listen comes first? I like the concept of listening BEFORE we speak!

 

What do you think it means to listen? I  believe it is more than just hearing the words- Webster’s online dictionary defines “listen:” to hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration.”  This suggests focused attention on the person speaking to you. Listening requires attention, you are not listening if you are reading, on your Blackberry, cooking, or working at the same time. To listen to your child means stopping what you are doing, get on their level and give your child eye contact. I encourage you to listen to more than the words spoken. Make note of their tone of voice, body language, and the feelings being expressed. What is your child trying to communicate to you? Imagine the situation from your child’s perspective. At this point it is often natural to be formulating your response or figuring out the fastest way to get back to what you were doing, but that misses the point of connecting.  You’ll miss an opportunity to understand your child better, to deepen your relationship with them, to communicate to your child how much you value and love them.

 

When my children were young a wise woman gave me this bit of advice. She encouraged me to stop what I was doing and really listen; she said that the child will keep trying to get my attention until they get it. By stopping right away I could avoid frustration to myself and my child, and my child would know they are important and valued. What a simple way to get such priceless results! Go ahead and give it a try this week, risk stopping to really listen to your child!

 

Parent & Child One on One Time.

Last week I wrote about having fun with your children. One of the things I mentioned was having one on one time with each child. I’d like to expand that thought.

 

I strongly believe each child needs regular meaningful one on one time with each of their parents. This is a special time for you to get to know your child and to let your child know how much you love them. Just the act of setting up a special time to be alone with your child lets them know that they are important to you. You can convey how much you love them, enjoy them and want to be with them.

 

In my experience it was during the one on one times that I really grew to know my children. I learned about their hopes, joys, struggles and fears. I learned what was important to them, what they enjoyed, and what kinds of things they thought about. This flowed out of spending time being fully present with them (not on the phone, texting or thinking about things you have to do). Without the distractions of others you can hear what’s really going on in their life.

 

Do something with your child that they enjoy and just have fun! Play board games, have a catch, go for a walk at the beach, skip stones… do things they like to do that involve connection and interaction. Don’t go see a movie, unless you get some ice cream or go out for lunch before or after. The idea is to have time to connect, talk and have fun.

 

Start a tradition, a time at the park or a special meal out together. With older children and teens it is often in the last few minutes of your time together when the significant topics will come up so when possible create flexibility in your schedule to expand your time as you are able.

 

Bedtime is a perfect time to take a few minutes with each child to listen to their day. Give them a backrub as you listen to the events of their day... now you are adding meaningful touch!

 

Not long ago I was tagged on a facebook message from a friend’s daughter, who babysat for our children when they were young. She remembered that I took my daughter away for an overnight by herself when she was 10- and she had just done the same thing with her 10 year old daughter. Our get-a-way was a great time to create memories with my daughter and talk about the changes that will be coming in her life.

 

I know your schedules are busy. Investing in your relationship with your child will pay dividends for the rest of your life! This special time with your child is PRICELESS!

 

Have Fun!

 

Shared experiences provide great memories and draw people together. Even when the experience doesn’t turn out as planned great memories can be made… honestly don’t you remember your mini-disasters more than the days where everything turns out perfect? (Our family will always remember the time the five of us spent the night in one three-person tent, because the zipper on our second tent was broken and the mosquitoes were awful)

So go ahead and plan some fun-time shared experiences (if we don’t plan and schedule them they generally won’t happen) and start creating great memories. Here are some ideas that worded for my family:

·         Family Fun Night: In our home Friday night was “Family Fun Night.” This grew into an important family tradition which could include a wide variety of activities: hiking, picnics, fling kites, going to the park, bike riding, family Olympics, scavenger hunts, crafts, game night, movie night, “camping out” in the living room, bowling… whatever your family enjoys doing together! It gives the message that family is important and we enjoy spending time with our children.

·         Seasonal Traditions: Apple picking, strawberry picking, pumpkin picking, cutting down your own Christmas tree, coloring Easter eggs, carving pumpkins, baking Christmas treats, making valentines, sparklers on the 4^th of July, making snowmen or sledding on the “best” hill when it snows. Traditions are a great way to create family memories.

·         Family Vacations: Try to put in the schedule something that each person enjoys. Set realistic expectations based on the ages and interests of your children.

·         One-on-one time: I can’t overstate the importance of making special one on one time with each child doing something they enjoy. It’s a great way to get to know each child better and let them know they are valued and loved for who they are!

Sometimes life with children gets to be an endless series of things to do and so much time is spent giving children directions and requiring follow through. Yes, these are important but I suggest that having fun and developing positive shared memories with your child is at the top of the “important” list?

Go ahead, I dare you, have fun with your kids. Check that I double-dare you… J