Here’s a simple and effective communication tool I learned from: How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk (a book I highly recommend).
After you listen with full attention (listening blog #1), and restated back to your child the feelings you heard them express (listening blog #2), try giving your child their wishes in fantasy. A simple example might go like this: when your daughter wants a strawberry yogurt and all you have is blueberry you could reply, “You really want strawberry yogurt- I wish I had some to give you!” Through this response you let her know you heard her and wish you could give her what she wants. You can follow up by saying, “we do have blueberry yogurt, would you like some of that?”
I have often seen this simple technique defuse a possible battle.
Perhaps it is a rainy day and your son is complaining about not being able to play outside. He might even complain or whine, “There is nothing to do inside!” How about responding, “What a bummer, you can’t go outside and play today, I wish I could snap my fingers and make this a beautiful sunny day so you could go outside and play.”
I remember a time years ago, we had just moved and my 7 year old was sad and missing his old friends. I said, “I wish we could have them all come and visit! What would you want to do with them?” Our conversation turned to what he would like to do with his friends, and what he would want to show them in his new community. I sensed that he felt heard and his feelings were understood. And as he talked about what he would show old friends it gave him an opportunity to express himself more.
I remember when I first read about “giving your child their wishes in fantasy” I thought that was too simple. It couldn’t possibly work. Yet over and over as I tried it I watched it help my children feel understood. Give it a try and let me know if it works for you!
