Lessons in Listening Number 2

Last time I challenged you to listen to your child’s communication with “thoughtful attention: give consideration.” I asked you to give full attention to your child and to make an effort to understand what your child is trying to communicate.  How did you do?

The idea is to listen and understand your child before responding to them.

When you’ve listened you’ll be able to repeat back what your child said and express their feelings. (Feelings fall into four general categories: mad, sad, glad and afraid.)  Here’s an example: your child lost their new Happy Meal Toy, she tells you through sobs, “I lost my toy.” You know the value of that toy and you know that in an hour she will not even remember the toy, so it’s easy to say something like, “We have lots of toys at home” or “That was just a cheap toy, you’ll forget about it.” Instead, having paid thoughtful attention and considered the issue from her vantage point, you may give her a hug and say, “You are really sad you lost that toy, you really liked it!” Responding like that communicates that you heard your child and understand how she feels. It takes no more energy than the first two responses, it does not require frantic searching for the toy, or even replacing it, yet it lets your child know you understand and care.

Even though this may seem trivial to you, in the moment those feelings are very real to your child and you have taken the time to validate her feelings.

When you name the feelings your child expresses try to match their level of emotion. If your child is sobbing, saying something like “oh, you seem sad” misses the depth of her sobs. But you don’t want to over do it either. If your child is only a little upset you don’t want to make a huge deal of it. Try to match their level of emotion.

Sometimes we misunderstand what our son or daughter is trying to communicate. If they feel validated they, generally, will correct you. You may think they are sad when they are angry. They will let you know and then you can reframe your response to new things they have told you. My experience is that they will know and appreciate the fact that you are trying to understand.

Here is one of my favorite examples: it is late fall and your son is hot and wants to take off his jacket, how often do we respond, “No it’s cold you must keep your jacket on!” If I was listening I might say, “Oh, you’re hot, it feels cold to me. Go ahead and take off your jacket if you want.”  Just because we are cold doesn’t mean our child is cold, we can listen and validate their experience of feeling hot.

Go ahead and give it a try. Listen with full attention, try to pick up on the feeling your child is expressing and while matching their level of emotion restate what you have heard.

 

 

 

Listen to your Children

My next few blogs will address how to improve your communication with your child. Some of the wonderful benefits of good communication with your child:

• You will get to know and understand your child better, each child is unique
• You can improve your relationship with your child
• Through communication you can let your child know you love them
• You will learn from your child
• And you will be better able to comfort and help them with problems

 

Some of you may be familiar with the quote from the Bible that says, “…take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19). Did you notice the encouragement to be quick to listen comes first? I like the concept of listening BEFORE we speak!

 

What do you think it means to listen? I  believe it is more than just hearing the words- Webster’s online dictionary defines “listen:” to hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration.”  This suggests focused attention on the person speaking to you. Listening requires attention, you are not listening if you are reading, on your Blackberry, cooking, or working at the same time. To listen to your child means stopping what you are doing, get on their level and give your child eye contact. I encourage you to listen to more than the words spoken. Make note of their tone of voice, body language, and the feelings being expressed. What is your child trying to communicate to you? Imagine the situation from your child’s perspective. At this point it is often natural to be formulating your response or figuring out the fastest way to get back to what you were doing, but that misses the point of connecting.  You’ll miss an opportunity to understand your child better, to deepen your relationship with them, to communicate to your child how much you value and love them.

 

When my children were young a wise woman gave me this bit of advice. She encouraged me to stop what I was doing and really listen; she said that the child will keep trying to get my attention until they get it. By stopping right away I could avoid frustration to myself and my child, and my child would know they are important and valued. What a simple way to get such priceless results! Go ahead and give it a try this week, risk stopping to really listen to your child!

 

Parent & Child One on One Time.

Last week I wrote about having fun with your children. One of the things I mentioned was having one on one time with each child. I’d like to expand that thought.

 

I strongly believe each child needs regular meaningful one on one time with each of their parents. This is a special time for you to get to know your child and to let your child know how much you love them. Just the act of setting up a special time to be alone with your child lets them know that they are important to you. You can convey how much you love them, enjoy them and want to be with them.

 

In my experience it was during the one on one times that I really grew to know my children. I learned about their hopes, joys, struggles and fears. I learned what was important to them, what they enjoyed, and what kinds of things they thought about. This flowed out of spending time being fully present with them (not on the phone, texting or thinking about things you have to do). Without the distractions of others you can hear what’s really going on in their life.

 

Do something with your child that they enjoy and just have fun! Play board games, have a catch, go for a walk at the beach, skip stones… do things they like to do that involve connection and interaction. Don’t go see a movie, unless you get some ice cream or go out for lunch before or after. The idea is to have time to connect, talk and have fun.

 

Start a tradition, a time at the park or a special meal out together. With older children and teens it is often in the last few minutes of your time together when the significant topics will come up so when possible create flexibility in your schedule to expand your time as you are able.

 

Bedtime is a perfect time to take a few minutes with each child to listen to their day. Give them a backrub as you listen to the events of their day... now you are adding meaningful touch!

 

Not long ago I was tagged on a facebook message from a friend’s daughter, who babysat for our children when they were young. She remembered that I took my daughter away for an overnight by herself when she was 10- and she had just done the same thing with her 10 year old daughter. Our get-a-way was a great time to create memories with my daughter and talk about the changes that will be coming in her life.

 

I know your schedules are busy. Investing in your relationship with your child will pay dividends for the rest of your life! This special time with your child is PRICELESS!