Lessons in Listening Number 2

Last time I challenged you to listen to your child’s communication with “thoughtful attention: give consideration.” I asked you to give full attention to your child and to make an effort to understand what your child is trying to communicate.  How did you do?

The idea is to listen and understand your child before responding to them.

When you’ve listened you’ll be able to repeat back what your child said and express their feelings. (Feelings fall into four general categories: mad, sad, glad and afraid.)  Here’s an example: your child lost their new Happy Meal Toy, she tells you through sobs, “I lost my toy.” You know the value of that toy and you know that in an hour she will not even remember the toy, so it’s easy to say something like, “We have lots of toys at home” or “That was just a cheap toy, you’ll forget about it.” Instead, having paid thoughtful attention and considered the issue from her vantage point, you may give her a hug and say, “You are really sad you lost that toy, you really liked it!” Responding like that communicates that you heard your child and understand how she feels. It takes no more energy than the first two responses, it does not require frantic searching for the toy, or even replacing it, yet it lets your child know you understand and care.

Even though this may seem trivial to you, in the moment those feelings are very real to your child and you have taken the time to validate her feelings.

When you name the feelings your child expresses try to match their level of emotion. If your child is sobbing, saying something like “oh, you seem sad” misses the depth of her sobs. But you don’t want to over do it either. If your child is only a little upset you don’t want to make a huge deal of it. Try to match their level of emotion.

Sometimes we misunderstand what our son or daughter is trying to communicate. If they feel validated they, generally, will correct you. You may think they are sad when they are angry. They will let you know and then you can reframe your response to new things they have told you. My experience is that they will know and appreciate the fact that you are trying to understand.

Here is one of my favorite examples: it is late fall and your son is hot and wants to take off his jacket, how often do we respond, “No it’s cold you must keep your jacket on!” If I was listening I might say, “Oh, you’re hot, it feels cold to me. Go ahead and take off your jacket if you want.”  Just because we are cold doesn’t mean our child is cold, we can listen and validate their experience of feeling hot.

Go ahead and give it a try. Listen with full attention, try to pick up on the feeling your child is expressing and while matching their level of emotion restate what you have heard.