Self Care

 

Parenting is a tough job! It requires long hours, lots of emotional and physical energy, much wisdom and at times it seems like there are few rewards. Add to that the huge impact your parenting has on your child and it is easy to feel overwhelmed. Just as the steward on the airplane instructs you to put your oxygen mask on BEFORE putting on your child’s - I am suggesting that you take care of yourself so you are best able to care for your child!

Parenting is a physically, emotionally, spiritually and relationally demanding task. You need to be in good shape! Take care of yourself!

• Physically:
• Eat healthily (don’t skip meals, eat a well balanced breakfast and lunch with lots of protein to give you energy for the day).
• Exercise- depending on the age of your child, you may need to get creative here, find a Y or gym with child care; get outside and actively play with your child, take walks with them or do a home exercise DVD. Exercise will increase your energy and improve your mood.
• Get a good night sleep- I know this can seem impossible, especially with newborns. Do the best you can, forget about those extra tasks and go to bed early. It is okay to take a nap when your child naps.
• Emotionally:
• See above; if you are eating right, exercising and sleeping you will be healthier emotionally.
• Do things you enjoy- make a list of your favorite things (i.e. reading, music, bubble baths, sports, hobbies, sleeping…) now try to spend a little time each day doing something you enjoy.
• Relationally:
• Keep connected with people you enjoy. Make time to connect with those who encourage you and bring you joy- in person if possible, but there’s always email, Facebook and phone. When our children were young I found being with friends who also had young children to be a lifeline. The kids enjoyed being together and I had adult conversation!
• Spiritually:
• Read (for me, it’s the Bible)
• Meditate & Pray
• Get together with others of your faith

 

These areas overlap with each other, it is really impossible to separate them completely. This is just one way of looking at your life and making sure you are caring for all areas of your life. Put your oxygen mask on first- make sure you are strong and healthy then you will be prepared to parent well!

 

Sleep Problems

 

One common concern I hear over and over again is parents having trouble getting their child to go to bed, stay in bed and fall asleep. For young children this can be a symptom of separation anxiety which is a common developmental stage. Sometimes sleep problems are a result of anxiety or poor sleep habits. Some children just don’t want to miss out on what is going on.

 

The best way to minimize common sleep problems is to have a consistent and enjoyable bedtime routine. This routine should start at the same time every day. The routine can consist of a light healthy snack, bath time, reading stories, listening to calming music or perhaps a back rub. This is a great time for physical touch and to talk to your child about their day and saying prayers. It’s calming if the routine is the same every night, and the child knows what to expect. If your child is still taking naps, it’s important to keep their nap time as regular as possible as well.

 

For all children and especially those who have trouble falling asleep I suggest no television or “screens” (computers, video games etc.) for an hour before bedtime. These activities stimulate the brain and make it harder to fall asleep.

 

What your child eats and drinks can affect their ability to fall asleep.  Avoid beverages with caffeine. Make sure your child has a balanced evening meal including some lean protein, avoid foods high in sugar

 

Getting lots of physical activity also helps a child sleep better, however you don’t want this to be in the 2-3 hours before bedtime.

 

Your child’s bedtime environment should be the same each night (cool, quiet and dark).

 

I know life is busy and can be unpredictable. However sleep is essential to your child’s health and growth. Children who get enough sleep function better and have fewer behavioral problems. Those benefits are worth some effort in changing your daily routine!

 

ANGER!

What is anger? When do you feel anger? How do you express your anger? Is anger good or bad? When is anger good, when is it bad? How does your child express anger? What is your response to your child’s anger?

 

Anger as defined by dictionary.com- noun.

1. A strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

 

In The Anger Workbook Les Carter & Frank Minirth define anger as: an intent to preserve 1. Personal worth (need to feel respected or valued) 2. Essential needs and 3. Basic convictions.

 

Some angry moms came up with a great organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). When people get angry about poverty and injustice social change will occur. There are many good reasons for us to feel anger.  The problem comes with how we express anger.

We have some choices:

·         Suppress our anger, push it down, and pretend it doesn’t exist. (It will rear it’s ugly head in another way) A child may choose this method if they feel the authority figure will not allow anger.

·         Use aggression, somebody else suffers as a result of our anger. Such as the child who hits the sibling who destroys their Lego creation.

·         Use Passive/Aggressive Anger: somebody else suffers as a result of our anger, but it’s done in a quieter manner, not as easily identified. An example of this would be the child who is angry at their parents so they purposely do poorly in school.

·         Let it go. You can decide that it’s not worth taking action or you are unable to control the circumstances so you can choose to let it go. The older sibling may realize that the toddler accidently destroyed the Lego creation and choose to let it go.

·         Express our anger in an assertive manner. This is done by expressing your anger verbally directly with the person with whom you are angry while considering the needs and feelings of others.

 

Some ways to help your child express their anger:

·         We can help our children learn to express their anger appropriately by modeling one of these last two methods: choosing to let it go, or express it in an assertive manner. Our child is watching and learning from how we respond when we are angry. When we blow it (and we all do) apologize to the person. This will be a powerful example to your child! You are the one who sets the atmosphere of your home; you are the trainer in anger management. Be a model of someone who manages their anger appropriately.

·         Give your child words for their feelings. When your child hits their sibling, you can say, “You are really anger that your brother destroyed your Lego creation.”

·         Encourage your child to use their words not act out. “Hitting is not allowed, when you are angry (or when your sibling destroys your Lego’s) use your words. You can ask younger children to make a drawing to show how angry they are. (Punching a pillow can be a step in learning to express anger appropriately- it is not what we are aiming for, but it is better than punching a sibling.)

·         Let your child know that you will accept their angry feelings. You can do this verbally as well as non-verbally.

·         Commend your child when they do use their words. “I’m proud of the way you used your words. You didn’t take it out on your sibling.”

 

As I observe people I notice that most people are uncomfortable with anger, and many adults do not know how to express their anger appropriately. What a gift you can give your child by teaching them early that anger is a normal and sometimes helpful part of life, and there are appropriate ways of expressing your anger.

If you have a child who has a real struggle expressing anger I highly recommend reading Ross Campbell MD’s book How to Love Your Angry Child.

 

 

Helping Your Child Express All of their Feelings

While talking about communication I suggested that you listen for the feelings your child is expressing. Most of us are comfortable with our child expressing “positive” feelings such as happy, excited or thankful, but how do you feel when your child is expressing anger, fear or sadness? Ask yourself… in our home are some feelings more acceptable than others? Do you or someone you know give out a clear message that some feelings are NOT acceptable? Most everyone is more comfortable with “positive” feelings, than “negative” feelings. The truth is we all experience a range of emotions from ecstatic to rage. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are, and they indicate what is going on inside of us. I equate feelings with the warning signals on my car dashboard; they alert me to what is going on inside ‘my motor.’ I can ignore the warning signal but that doesn’t mean a problem isn’t there.

As I write this I am reminded of sending our oldest off to college. Often when I told friends how sad I was they would try to talk me out of my sadness, or convince me it was a good that my child was independent and off at college, and more stuff like this. All of this was true, but what I really wanted was someone to hear me and say, “This is really hard for you, you miss your child.” Then I would have felt heard and understood.

I have grown to understand that our children appreciate being heard and validated as well.

Your child will be healthier emotionally and physically if they are able to express all of their feelings in an appropriate way and have their feelings validated. Feelings not expressed will show up in some other way in their life: perhaps through a burst of anger, temper tantrum, depression, stomachache or social withdrawal.

As a parent it is helpful when you try to understand your child’s feelings, name the feeling and validate them (just acknowledge that they exist). If your child says, “I hate my brother” instead of scolding them for mean talk, or trying to talk your child out of their feeling or denying their feeling try responding like this, “wow- you seem really angry that your brother smashed your Lego creation.”  

Or if your child is afraid of going to bed at night, try “I understand that you’re scared, I was scared when I was your age. I’ll come and read you a story and sit with you for a few minutes.” (You acknowledge that your child’s fear is real- you let them know you used to have a similar fear and survived- we all had/have fears). If faith is an important part of your family’s life this is a great time to pray with your child as well.

When your child is crying because her pet goldfish died, it is easy to respond, Honey it’s just a goldfish and we can get you a new one.” A more validating approach would be something like this, “You seem sad, you really liked your goldfish- you will miss it!”

            Remember that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. We all experience a range of feelings. You and your child will be healthier when you are able to express your feelings in a safe place and have them validated. With some practice it will become a natural part of your communication.

 

Lessons in Listening Number 3

 

Here’s a simple and effective communication tool I learned from: How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk (a book I highly recommend).

After you listen with full attention (listening blog #1), and restated back to your child the feelings you heard them express (listening blog #2), try giving your child their wishes in fantasy. A simple example might go like this: when your daughter wants a strawberry yogurt and all you have is blueberry you could reply, “You really want strawberry yogurt- I wish I had some to give you!” Through this response you let her know you heard her and wish you could give her what she wants. You can follow up by saying, “we do have blueberry yogurt, would you like some of that?”

I have often seen this simple technique defuse a possible battle.

Perhaps it is a rainy day and your son is complaining about not being able to play outside. He might even complain or whine, “There is nothing to do inside!” How about responding, “What a bummer, you can’t go outside and play today, I wish I could snap my fingers and make this a beautiful sunny day so you could go outside and play.”

I remember a time years ago, we had just moved and my 7 year old was sad and missing his old friends. I said, “I wish we could have them all come and visit! What would you want to do with them?” Our conversation turned to what he would like to do with his friends, and what he would want to show them in his new community. I sensed that he felt heard and his feelings were understood. And as he talked about what he would show old friends it gave him an opportunity to express himself more.

I remember when I first read about “giving your child their wishes in fantasy” I thought that was too simple. It couldn’t possibly work. Yet over and over as I tried it I watched it help my children feel understood. Give it a try and let me know if it works for you!

 

Lessons in Listening Number 2

Last time I challenged you to listen to your child’s communication with “thoughtful attention: give consideration.” I asked you to give full attention to your child and to make an effort to understand what your child is trying to communicate.  How did you do?

The idea is to listen and understand your child before responding to them.

When you’ve listened you’ll be able to repeat back what your child said and express their feelings. (Feelings fall into four general categories: mad, sad, glad and afraid.)  Here’s an example: your child lost their new Happy Meal Toy, she tells you through sobs, “I lost my toy.” You know the value of that toy and you know that in an hour she will not even remember the toy, so it’s easy to say something like, “We have lots of toys at home” or “That was just a cheap toy, you’ll forget about it.” Instead, having paid thoughtful attention and considered the issue from her vantage point, you may give her a hug and say, “You are really sad you lost that toy, you really liked it!” Responding like that communicates that you heard your child and understand how she feels. It takes no more energy than the first two responses, it does not require frantic searching for the toy, or even replacing it, yet it lets your child know you understand and care.

Even though this may seem trivial to you, in the moment those feelings are very real to your child and you have taken the time to validate her feelings.

When you name the feelings your child expresses try to match their level of emotion. If your child is sobbing, saying something like “oh, you seem sad” misses the depth of her sobs. But you don’t want to over do it either. If your child is only a little upset you don’t want to make a huge deal of it. Try to match their level of emotion.

Sometimes we misunderstand what our son or daughter is trying to communicate. If they feel validated they, generally, will correct you. You may think they are sad when they are angry. They will let you know and then you can reframe your response to new things they have told you. My experience is that they will know and appreciate the fact that you are trying to understand.

Here is one of my favorite examples: it is late fall and your son is hot and wants to take off his jacket, how often do we respond, “No it’s cold you must keep your jacket on!” If I was listening I might say, “Oh, you’re hot, it feels cold to me. Go ahead and take off your jacket if you want.”  Just because we are cold doesn’t mean our child is cold, we can listen and validate their experience of feeling hot.

Go ahead and give it a try. Listen with full attention, try to pick up on the feeling your child is expressing and while matching their level of emotion restate what you have heard.

 

 

 

Listen to your Children

My next few blogs will address how to improve your communication with your child. Some of the wonderful benefits of good communication with your child:

• You will get to know and understand your child better, each child is unique
• You can improve your relationship with your child
• Through communication you can let your child know you love them
• You will learn from your child
• And you will be better able to comfort and help them with problems

 

Some of you may be familiar with the quote from the Bible that says, “…take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19). Did you notice the encouragement to be quick to listen comes first? I like the concept of listening BEFORE we speak!

 

What do you think it means to listen? I  believe it is more than just hearing the words- Webster’s online dictionary defines “listen:” to hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration.”  This suggests focused attention on the person speaking to you. Listening requires attention, you are not listening if you are reading, on your Blackberry, cooking, or working at the same time. To listen to your child means stopping what you are doing, get on their level and give your child eye contact. I encourage you to listen to more than the words spoken. Make note of their tone of voice, body language, and the feelings being expressed. What is your child trying to communicate to you? Imagine the situation from your child’s perspective. At this point it is often natural to be formulating your response or figuring out the fastest way to get back to what you were doing, but that misses the point of connecting.  You’ll miss an opportunity to understand your child better, to deepen your relationship with them, to communicate to your child how much you value and love them.

 

When my children were young a wise woman gave me this bit of advice. She encouraged me to stop what I was doing and really listen; she said that the child will keep trying to get my attention until they get it. By stopping right away I could avoid frustration to myself and my child, and my child would know they are important and valued. What a simple way to get such priceless results! Go ahead and give it a try this week, risk stopping to really listen to your child!

 

Parent & Child One on One Time.

Last week I wrote about having fun with your children. One of the things I mentioned was having one on one time with each child. I’d like to expand that thought.

 

I strongly believe each child needs regular meaningful one on one time with each of their parents. This is a special time for you to get to know your child and to let your child know how much you love them. Just the act of setting up a special time to be alone with your child lets them know that they are important to you. You can convey how much you love them, enjoy them and want to be with them.

 

In my experience it was during the one on one times that I really grew to know my children. I learned about their hopes, joys, struggles and fears. I learned what was important to them, what they enjoyed, and what kinds of things they thought about. This flowed out of spending time being fully present with them (not on the phone, texting or thinking about things you have to do). Without the distractions of others you can hear what’s really going on in their life.

 

Do something with your child that they enjoy and just have fun! Play board games, have a catch, go for a walk at the beach, skip stones… do things they like to do that involve connection and interaction. Don’t go see a movie, unless you get some ice cream or go out for lunch before or after. The idea is to have time to connect, talk and have fun.

 

Start a tradition, a time at the park or a special meal out together. With older children and teens it is often in the last few minutes of your time together when the significant topics will come up so when possible create flexibility in your schedule to expand your time as you are able.

 

Bedtime is a perfect time to take a few minutes with each child to listen to their day. Give them a backrub as you listen to the events of their day... now you are adding meaningful touch!

 

Not long ago I was tagged on a facebook message from a friend’s daughter, who babysat for our children when they were young. She remembered that I took my daughter away for an overnight by herself when she was 10- and she had just done the same thing with her 10 year old daughter. Our get-a-way was a great time to create memories with my daughter and talk about the changes that will be coming in her life.

 

I know your schedules are busy. Investing in your relationship with your child will pay dividends for the rest of your life! This special time with your child is PRICELESS!

 

Have Fun!

 

Shared experiences provide great memories and draw people together. Even when the experience doesn’t turn out as planned great memories can be made… honestly don’t you remember your mini-disasters more than the days where everything turns out perfect? (Our family will always remember the time the five of us spent the night in one three-person tent, because the zipper on our second tent was broken and the mosquitoes were awful)

So go ahead and plan some fun-time shared experiences (if we don’t plan and schedule them they generally won’t happen) and start creating great memories. Here are some ideas that worded for my family:

·         Family Fun Night: In our home Friday night was “Family Fun Night.” This grew into an important family tradition which could include a wide variety of activities: hiking, picnics, fling kites, going to the park, bike riding, family Olympics, scavenger hunts, crafts, game night, movie night, “camping out” in the living room, bowling… whatever your family enjoys doing together! It gives the message that family is important and we enjoy spending time with our children.

·         Seasonal Traditions: Apple picking, strawberry picking, pumpkin picking, cutting down your own Christmas tree, coloring Easter eggs, carving pumpkins, baking Christmas treats, making valentines, sparklers on the 4^th of July, making snowmen or sledding on the “best” hill when it snows. Traditions are a great way to create family memories.

·         Family Vacations: Try to put in the schedule something that each person enjoys. Set realistic expectations based on the ages and interests of your children.

·         One-on-one time: I can’t overstate the importance of making special one on one time with each child doing something they enjoy. It’s a great way to get to know each child better and let them know they are valued and loved for who they are!

Sometimes life with children gets to be an endless series of things to do and so much time is spent giving children directions and requiring follow through. Yes, these are important but I suggest that having fun and developing positive shared memories with your child is at the top of the “important” list?

Go ahead, I dare you, have fun with your kids. Check that I double-dare you… J

 

 

The Gift of Reading to your Child

What if I told you that I have something to offer you today that will help your child succeed in school…that will help your child live a longer life…help them earn more money…even help your grandchildren (if you ever have them) succeed in school?¹ What I am offering is free, fun and will strengthen your relationship with your child. It is simple: read to your child!

 

Start reading to your infant and keep reading aloud through their teen years. Children’s listening comprehension is greater than their reading comprehension, so stretch their minds. The academic advantages of reading to your children are substantial, but I believe the relational benefits are even greater!

 

When you read snuggle your child close, this is a great way to let your child know you enjoy being with them and love them. As you read you will get to know the same characters, share in the same adventures, travel to the same places, and experience a range of emotions together. The stories you read together become part of your shared memories and will pop up in conversations for years! You may find yourselves playing “Pooh Sticks” while crossing a bridge (Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne). You may discover favorite books and authors. You can read as you travel. For example Brighty of the Grand Canyon, by Marguerite Henry is a great read while visiting Grand Canyon National Park.

 

Reading provides a wonderful part of your bedtime ritual. It allows time to wind down while being physically close. Some children’s books have beautiful illustrations; take time to enjoy the art! Enjoy the journey that the book offers. Reading also offers a fun way to pass on good values (The Story of Ruby Bridges by Robert Coles). As they grow older you can take your child to the library or book store and let them select a book.

 

If you need help selecting books talk to your librarian or check out Honey for a Child’s Heart by Gladys Hunt or Jim Trelease’s The Read-Aloud Handbook. Most importantly: enjoy this special time spent with your sons and daughters!

 

___

¹. Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook p.xxiv

 

Best Case Outcome for Children of Divorce # 4

 

I know you want your child/ren to thrive despite separation and divorce. Another thing you and your ex can do to help your child is agree to minimize the changes in your child’s life. If possible keep your child in the same home and school. Agree with your ex on the best routine for your child (not you or your ex’s best routine; the best routine for your child) and be consistent in both homes. Agree to the rules for homework, bedtime, behavior, chores, going out, etc. Younger children in particular need a normal daily routine.

If your child goes back and forth between homes make sure they have everything they need: things for school, clothing and special personal items. Does your child have a special blanket or toy they sleep with- make sure it goes with them and is returned.

Along with this, allow your child time to adjust to the separation and divorce before introducing them to a potential partner. You may not like this but giving your child at least a year (truthfully it probably takes several years) before a new adult is introduced into their lives really helps. Even after this period of allowing your child to adjust to the divorce, wait until you are in a serious committed relationship before introducing your child to your potential partner.

In some cases your ex will be unwilling to following these guidelines. You cannot change or control your ex-spouse’s behavior but you can change and control yourself. It takes two to tango. You can refuse to argue in front of your children or put them in the middle of disagreements. You can make the choice to do what is best for your children. Take responsibility for your own behavior. This will be hard at times, but it provides the best case for your child to survive even thrive through your divorce.

I recommend the book Helping Children Survive Divorce by Dr. Archibald D. Hart for more help in parenting your child through separation and divorce.

 

Best Case Outcome for Children of Divorce Blog 3

Previously we addressed self care, seeing the divorce through your child’s perspective, and encouraging your child to have a healthy relationship with your ex. Today I want to encourage you to help your child to talk about his/her feelings.

Some children will act out; some will use regressive behaviors; others will withdraw and become quiet, some appear to be the “perfect child.” Make a mental note that behavior is communication. Most children experience a range of feelings, probably including sadness, anger, guilt and fear.

Your child needs permission to express their feelings and they need you to be available to listen to them and to accept whatever they are feeling. Your child needs you now more than ever. Try to set aside a regular time each day to be alone with your child without distractions.

Remember, look at divorce through your child’s eyes. They did nothing to cause the divorce, yet they suffer many consequences from the divorce… they don’t have the same access to each parent, routines have been changed, they may be going back and forth between two homes several times a week, perhaps they have to move or change schools. They may wonder, “If mom and dad stopped loving each other maybe they will stop loving me” or “if mom/dad left maybe the other parent will leave too.”

Expect your child to have problems with acting out, eating and sleeping. Children do not have the coping skills needed to handle stress. Instead of punishing a child who is more aggressive since the divorce, try putting your arm around them and give words to their feelings. You might say something like, “I see you are throwing your toys, I imagine you are angry because you miss your mom/dad, tell me what that’s like.” For young children you might encourage them to draw how angry they are.

It is normal for your child to be angry, sad, guilty or fearful after a divorce. Kept inside these feelings will cause your child harm. They need you to encourage them to express these feelings in healthy ways.

Helping children survive even thrive during divorce isn’t easy, but it is possible…

 

Best Case Outcome for Children of Divorce Blog 2

 

In my last blog I addressed three basics for helping children survive even thrive through a divorce. First and most importantly, the adults going through divorce need to take care of themselves emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually. You need to continue with this self-care. Secondly, I attempted to communicate that adults need to view the divorce through the child’s perspective. Third, make sure you continue to let you child/ren know that nothing they did or said caused the divorce.

Another critical factor in helping children thrive following divorce is parents doing whatever they can to encourage an ongoing positive relationship with the other parent. “There is, I believe, universal agreement among counselors that the most crucial factors contributing to a good readjustment by divorced children are a stable, loving environment and a continuing relationship with BOTH REAL PARENTS”* (Hart 146). Did you hear that? This may be the HARDEST thing for you to do. You likely have some very strong negative feelings toward your ex, now is the time to separate your issues with your ex from what is best for your child. Just because your ex was not a good spouse does not mean they are not a good parent. Children need to be allowed to love and be loved by both parents!

Here are some practical things you can do to make it easier for your child:

• Set up a regular visitation schedule, children feel more secure when they know when and for how long the visitation will occur. Younger children need more frequent visits to maintain the relationship.
• Never criticize your ex in front of your child. When you and your child do talk about your ex remain neutral and supportive.
• Communicate directly with your ex: Don’t send any messages through your children. If it is difficult for the two of you to talk directly use email or a third neutral party; do not make your child get in the middle of your conflicts or disagreements.

I know this will be difficult, but it is one of the best gifts you can give your children in the aftermath of divorce.

 

 

*Dr. Archibald Hart: Helping Children Survive Divorce; What to Expect; How to Help

 

Best Case Outcome for Children of Divorce # 1

 

My next few blogs will focus on helping children when their parents divorce. Although this topic might not apply directly to your family, most everyone has a friend or family member who has gone through a divorce. Extended family and friends can be a tremendous support to children whose families are experiencing separation or divorce.

 

From my experience and observation I say without hesitation, “You can help your children thrive despite separation and divorce.” I also know that this will not be an easy, but I repeat it is possible.

The biggest obstacle is that you too are experiencing the pain of divorce. Every divorce is different, and every divorce involves some pain, loss of dreams, and fear of the future. Many divorces leave one or both spouses devastated. It is of utmost importance that you take care of yourself! You need trusted family, friends, a support group or therapist to support and encourage you. Do whatever is necessary to take care of your physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs. The better you take care of yourself, the better you can care for your child. Do not expect or allow your minor child to be the one person meeting your needs. You need to get your needs met by healthy adults, only then can you provide the kind of care that will allow your child to thrive despite the divorce.

Second, work at viewing what your child is going through from their perspective. Children are not “little adults.” The family plays a huge role in the world of a child, and the family is now undergoing a drastic change. Young children believe the world revolves around them and may feel something they did caused the divorce. Even older children often blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. When you first tell your children about the divorce (ideally both parents should do this together) let them know that it has nothing to do with them. Let them know, as clearly as you are able, that mom and dad did not do what was needed to take care of the marriage relationship and that mom and dad are no longer able to work things out and live together, or whatever the case may be. Let your children know often that they had nothing to do with the divorce.

Third, make it clear that both parents still love them. Help them understand that even though you and your spouse will no longer be husband and wife, you are still their mom and dad and that you love them and will be there for them; be honest and truthful, only say this if it is true.

More on helping your child with divorce in my next blog…

 

Clothing Allowance

 

For those of you living on a budget I wonder if you’ve ever taken your child clothes shopping only to end up in a battle over which jeans to buy. Your child wants the $100 jeans, and you think the $20 pair is just fine. Your child needs a pair of jeans- but which ones do you purchase? Tensions may rise and this shopping experience is anything but a pleasure. I know I hated the incessant bickering over jeans and shoes and… then we hit upon a wonderful solution, a clothing allowance.  First choose a dollar amount that makes sense based on your own budget and income. For example you decide your 10 year old will get $100 clothing allowance a month. Next decide exactly what the allowance is expected to cover; are shoes, winter coats & hats and undergarments included? Third, clearly communicate all this to your child.

I recommend giving your child the cash on a set day each month; we held the clothing cash for our children so that they couldn’t spend it on other stuff. Now when you and your child go shopping allow your daughter/son to purchase what they want using their own money. When the money is gone, it’s gone; they will have to wait until next month before they can buy anything else. If they choose the expensive jeans then that is all they can buy that month. And if they don’t have enough money for the latest fashion item then they can save their money for a month or so until they have the money to buy it. Since they are responsible for their purchases the battle over what to buy is gone. Often your children will make different clothing choices than you would have made for them, you have to learn to live with this and resist the temptation to coerce them into buying the things you think they should buy.

You know your child and their capabilities; the goal is to teach them responsibility. It remains your job to make sure they have the essentials. If the allowance you choose isn’t capable of purchasing a winter coat and boots then don’t include those items in the list of clothing they are responsible to purchase with their allowance. You may want to begin by having your child buy their own school and play clothes and you will take care of shoes and coats. Age 10, depending on your son/daughter’s maturity, is generally a good age to start giving your child a clothing allowance.

By using a clothing allowance, your child will learn that there is a limit on the amount of money they can spend on clothing, and will learn to choose what is most important to them. A clothing allowance is a practical way to teach your child how to live on a budget- something all adults need to know!

A closing allowance worked wonderfully for our family, let me know how this works for you and your child.

 

Children and Allowance

 

The other day a friend asked me what I thought about giving children allowances. I thought perhaps some of you were wondering about this as well.

 

There are two different ways to approach allowance. Children can “earn” their allowance by doing certain chores; or children automatically get a set allowance. I prefer to give a set amount per week to each child. My goal is to teach children how to handle money. If they only get money for doing chores some kids will never have any money! Personally I believe it is important for each child to have a job, they do this job because they are part of the family and in a family we all work together. I believe having a job (pick up toys, make bed, take out the trash…something age appropriate) gives a child a sense of worth and belonging.

 

I suggest giving an allowance based on the age of your child, say $1 a week for each year (five year old gets $5, 10 year old gets $10). On the same day every week (say Saturday) give your child their allowance in cash. You decide what the money is to be used for and clearly communicate that to your child. If you value giving to church or a charity now is the time to begin training your child, i.e. have them give away 10% of their allowance. Decide if the money is to be used to buy birthday gifts when they go to a party, extra snack at school, try to think through every scenario and clearly let your child know what they will be responsible for now that they have money.

 

Now your child has their own money, when you go to the store and they “have to have something” they can use their own money to buy it. They will discover what a dollar will buy. They will learn that when they spend all of their money at once they won’t have anything for the rest of the week. If they want something “big” they will learn to save their money until they have enough to buy it. This gives them the opportunity to think about something before making a “big” purchase, to decide if it is really something they want or just an impulse.

 

Understand that your child will make choices that you think are not wise- remember this is their money and they are learning- they have to make their own mistakes.

 

You can start giving a child allowance around age three. How wonderful to begin to understand the value of a dollar, and making choices at a young age, when the risks are just a few dollars- instead of learning the hard way as an adult where the costs are much higher!

 

Unconditional Love

 

In my last blog I asked you to observe your interactions with your child for a few days. What do you think you are communicating to your child?  How do you think your child is receiving it? How much of your interaction with your child is spent getting to know your child and conveying your love vs. giving commands or directions?

 

Let’s look at some practical ways you can communicate your unconditional love for your child. 

 

Communicate on their level and provide positive eye contact. If you are still taller than your child I suggest you get down on their level and look into their eyes when you talk to them. Try to make sure you give “positive” eye contact- when you tell your child how much you love them, or talk to them about their day. Tell them specific things you like and appreciate about them, such as “I like the way you invited Sally to join the ball game, you are a good friend” or “you did your job with a great attitude!” Try to make sure your positive comments far out number your negative comments and that they are real! Often we use eye contact when we set limits with our child, try to balance that by also using eye contact during positive communication with your child.

 

Give meaningful touch often. All children (and adults) need meaningful touch. This will look differently at different ages. Obviously babies need lots of touch, they are held when they are fed or need to be comforted. With toddlers you can give lots of hugs and kisses, snuggle or have them sit on your lap while you read. Older children still need meaningful touch; you can sit next to them watching a movie, enjoy playful wrestling, place an arm around the shoulder, or offer a back rub before bed.

 

Have some fun! Enjoy the time you spend with your child! I suggest entering your child’s world whether it is the world of princesses and tea parties, building stuff, enjoying arts & crafts, playing ball, dancing, exploring nature or playing board games. Spend time doing what your child enjoys. Let your child KNOW that you enjoy being with them. (This means turning the TV off, putting down what you are reading and turning your Blackberry to silent).

 

Getting to know our child and loving them is the great part of parenting! Isn’t it what you dreamed of when you decided to have children? Yet too often it gets lost in the busyness of daily life. Enjoy these times! And an added bonus is when your child really feels loved by you their behavior will be MUCH easier to manage!

 

If you are a reader and would like more information on this topic, I suggest reading, How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell MD and The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell MD.

 

Love and Limits- Read this Blog First

 

I started my blogs writing several on discipline. I had just given a talk on discipline so it was fresh and easy to write about. If I could start over I would post this blog first. Do me a favor and pretend this is my first blog!

 

I think parenting can be summed up in just four words: Unconditional Love & Reasonable Limits. All children need structure (limits) and nurture (love).  These two qualities are intricately intertwined. If you truly love your child you will set reasonable limits. To be effective reasonable limits need to be set in an atmosphere of love. Unconditional love and reasonable limits can’t exist without each other.

 

It seems to me that blogs, books and talks on parenting often emphasize the structure or limit setting aspect of parenting and de-emphasize the need for unconditional love. I prefer to emphasize the need for unconditional love as first importance. I believe unconditional love is what we all need, parents and children alike. To know you are loved unconditionally means you are loved regardless of how you look or dress, what your grades are, how you perform in your sport or music, what your behavior is, how well you clean your room or do your chore, what college accepts you, or if your interests are different than mine. To become emotionally mature adults our children need to KNOW they are loved!

 

I feel most parents really do love their children yet sometimes we struggle with communicating that in a way our children can receive. Perhaps in the stress of each day we emphasize the rules, limits, expectations and neglect to enjoy our child and let them know they are loved.

 

Over the next couple of days pay attention to your time with your child. How much of your time and communication is about tasks, getting up, dressed, teeth brushed, out the door, homework done… and how much energy and time goes into enjoying your child, getting to know them and communicating your love for them? Pay close attention to your interaction with your child and ask yourself, “Is there healthy balance, am I communicating my love to my child?” My next blog will give some practical ways to express your love with your child.

 

Discipline: Follow Through and Staying Emotionally Connected

Once you have reasonable expectations for your child and have communicated your expectations to your child so they understand them and the consequences of their behavior you need to follow through.

It is so important that you be consistent. If you told your child they need to clean their room before going to play with a friend you need to follow through. It is your job as the parent to set the guidelines and it is your child’s job to resist and test those guidelines. This is when you need to calmly stand firm. You can say, “Feel free to play with Johnny when your room is clean.”

I know it’s impossible to be consistent all of the time. Yet the truth is the more consistent you are the easier life will be for both you and your child. It isn’t fair, but studies show that giving into a child every once in a while on a random basis is the best way to reinforce your child’s resistant behavior.

Notice I said to calmly stand firm. It is important to stay emotionally connected. There is no reason to yell or scream. Empathize with your child, you can say, “what a bummer, you chose not to clean your room so now you can’t play with Johnny, I hope next time you choose to clean your room.” or “I know how much you like to play with Johnny, it’s sad you can’t play today.” When your child does clean their room rejoice with them, when they do not let them know you still love and care for them.

The natural or reasonable consequences are what will train our children to make different choices next time. All children NEED to stay emotionally connected to their parents. They need to know they are loved and accepted regardless of their behavior! Yes, it is possible to get the behavior you want by becoming angry or withdrawing your love from your child, however this is not helping them to internalize self control. They will be acting out of fear, and when you are not around their behavior will not be what you want it to be.

Enough said on discipline, my next blog will move onto a new topic. Feel free to communicate with me if you have any questions or are running into problems implementing these discipline strategies.

 

 

Discipline: Using Natural or Reasonable Consequences

Once you have reasonable expectations for your child it is important to make sure your child understands exactly what you expect, and what the consequences will be. I believe children should know before hand what is expected, it doesn’t seem fair to unexpectedly drop consequences on them. So when all is calm sit down and lovingly look into your child’s eyes and explain in simple terms what you want, and what the consequences will be. For example, “Before you can play with Tommy your room needs to be cleaned, that means put your clean clothes in the drawers, dirty clothes in the hamper and toys in the toy box. When that is done you can play with Tommy.” You can ask your child to repeat back to you what is expected. Depending on the age of your child you can make a list of the items, or a poster with pictures of what is expected. Obviously for young children you will have them do only one thing at a time. Now your child knows what is expected and what will happen when she does/doesn’t do what is expected. It is now her/his choice.

Here’s another example, if your child is whiny and disruptive at dinner you can calmly let them know that you don’t want to be around this behavior, if they continue behaving that way they can go to their room. When they decide to use a “nice voice” you would love to have them return and join you for dinner.

You want to use natural consequences whenever possible. If your child routinely has trouble getting up for school in the morning and misses the bus, the natural consequence can be they can walk to school (with you following closely to make sure they’re safe, depending on their age), or use their allowance to pay for a taxi.

When there are no natural consequences make sure the imposed consequences are reasonable and short term. The examples I gave above I would consider “reasonable and short term.” To tell the child that missed the bus that they would have to walk to school for a week might be unreasonable. Taking away a privilege for a week for a minor offense can cause the child to become angry, resentful and take away motivation for behaving for the rest of the week. The object is to teach our children that there are consequences for behavior and to instill self-control in them.

The younger the child the more important it is for the consequences to be immediate, you want the child to associate the consequence with the behavior. For example if your toddler is not playing nicely he/she can be removed from play for a short time.

 This method works for most children, if you find it’s not working for your child there may be other issues going on such as attention or learning problems.

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with reasonable consequences, so again, I encourage you to talk with your spouse, other parents or teachers. If you have specific questions regarding behavior or natural consequences post a comment or drop me an email and I’ll get back to you.

I also recommend reading the books, Raising Great Kids or Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

 

 

 

Discipline: Realistic Expectations for Each Child

In my last blog I outlined the concept of discipline in 300 words. The goal was to keep it short and give you the big picture, but I left out some details. In my next couple of blogs I’ll go into more detail on the different principles of discipline.

The first guideline is: Make sure the behavior you expect is reasonable for the age and maturity of your child.

It would be nice if we could make a list of what is reasonable to expect from all children at a specific age- but each child is unique and matures at their own pace. As adults I think we error on the side of thinking the child is more mature than they are. We believe they understand exactly what we mean when we say, “clean your room,” or that they remember everything we asked them to do or not do.

Here are some very basic guidelines:

üAround 12 months old a child can begin to learn to respond to the word “no.”

üFrom ages one to three children can generally understand that obeying your “no” brings good things and ignoring your “no” brings discomfort (i.e. time out, removal of toy, etc.).

üAround ages three to five children can learn how to treat others kindly, do some basic household chores (picking up toys, putting away clean clothes- remember they are children and will not be able to complete the task as quickly or neatly as you, an adult!)  

üOnce children are in school they will have homework and want more time with friends. Select a time and place for homework that works for your child keeping in mind that young children generally need time to run and play after a long day of school.

Now when considering discipline, remember not to discipline when your children act child-like. They are children. If they spill their milk or break something by accident you can say something like, “uh-oh the milk spilled,” then show them how to clean it up. Even a three or four year old can get a towel and soak up a spill. You want to provide reasonable consequences (more on that next time) when your child willfully disobeys.

Since there are no universal guidelines on what to expect from each child, it may be helpful to talk about it with your spouse, friends, or child’s teacher. It’s important to make sure that your child is capable of doing what you are asking of them. We want to set our children up for success!

Discipline in 300 Words

Discipline, there’s a word that causes some of us to panic; it may even bring up negative memories or fear.

Let me  put a positive spin on discipline. Discipline provides loving responses and limits that allow our children the opportunity to grow and mature in a safe and healthy environment. Does that sound better?

Discipline is NOT about you (the adult). It is not about what others will think of you because of your child’s behavior. Discipline is about what is best for your child.

Here are five general guidelines:

1- Make sure the behavior you expect is reasonable for the age and maturity of your child.

·         Do not discipline for childish behavior. Children spill things, and forget things, they shouldn’t be disciplined for these things unless done defiantly.

2- Make sure your child understands the desired behavior and the consequences.

·         Use natural consequences whenever possible!

·         Make sure the consequences are reasonable.

·         Consequences are best when they are immediate.

·         Keep them short term.

3- Follow through: be consistent. This is a tough one; nobody is consistent all of the time. Still the truth remains, the more consistent you are, the easier it will be for both you and your child.

4- Stay emotionally connected with your child in the midst of discipline- do NOT withdraw love or relationship! Empathize with your child. It is possible to get children to behave out of fear of punishment or loss of relationship- BUT this does not bring us closer to our goal.

5- Expect resistance. Your job is to set reasonable loving limits; your child’s job is to test those limits. When establishing new limits expect strong resistance.  Once your child realizes you are serious the resistance will decrease.

There it is- Discipline in 300 words- but it’s not easy! In the next few blogs I’ll take a closer look at these and other guidelines for discipline.  If you have questions drop me a note.