Previously we addressed self care, seeing the divorce through your child’s perspective, and encouraging your child to have a healthy relationship with your ex. Today I want to encourage you to help your child to talk about his/her feelings.
Some children will act out; some will use regressive behaviors; others will withdraw and become quiet, some appear to be the “perfect child.” Make a mental note that behavior is communication. Most children experience a range of feelings, probably including sadness, anger, guilt and fear.
Your child needs permission to express their feelings and they need you to be available to listen to them and to accept whatever they are feeling. Your child needs you now more than ever. Try to set aside a regular time each day to be alone with your child without distractions.
Remember, look at divorce through your child’s eyes. They did nothing to cause the divorce, yet they suffer many consequences from the divorce… they don’t have the same access to each parent, routines have been changed, they may be going back and forth between two homes several times a week, perhaps they have to move or change schools. They may wonder, “If mom and dad stopped loving each other maybe they will stop loving me” or “if mom/dad left maybe the other parent will leave too.”
Expect your child to have problems with acting out, eating and sleeping. Children do not have the coping skills needed to handle stress. Instead of punishing a child who is more aggressive since the divorce, try putting your arm around them and give words to their feelings. You might say something like, “I see you are throwing your toys, I imagine you are angry because you miss your mom/dad, tell me what that’s like.” For young children you might encourage them to draw how angry they are.
It is normal for your child to be angry, sad, guilty or fearful after a divorce. Kept inside these feelings will cause your child harm. They need you to encourage them to express these feelings in healthy ways.
Helping children survive even thrive during divorce isn’t easy, but it is possible…
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