ANGER!

What is anger? When do you feel anger? How do you express your anger? Is anger good or bad? When is anger good, when is it bad? How does your child express anger? What is your response to your child’s anger?

 

Anger as defined by dictionary.com- noun.

1. A strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

 

In The Anger Workbook Les Carter & Frank Minirth define anger as: an intent to preserve 1. Personal worth (need to feel respected or valued) 2. Essential needs and 3. Basic convictions.

 

Some angry moms came up with a great organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). When people get angry about poverty and injustice social change will occur. There are many good reasons for us to feel anger.  The problem comes with how we express anger.

We have some choices:

·         Suppress our anger, push it down, and pretend it doesn’t exist. (It will rear it’s ugly head in another way) A child may choose this method if they feel the authority figure will not allow anger.

·         Use aggression, somebody else suffers as a result of our anger. Such as the child who hits the sibling who destroys their Lego creation.

·         Use Passive/Aggressive Anger: somebody else suffers as a result of our anger, but it’s done in a quieter manner, not as easily identified. An example of this would be the child who is angry at their parents so they purposely do poorly in school.

·         Let it go. You can decide that it’s not worth taking action or you are unable to control the circumstances so you can choose to let it go. The older sibling may realize that the toddler accidently destroyed the Lego creation and choose to let it go.

·         Express our anger in an assertive manner. This is done by expressing your anger verbally directly with the person with whom you are angry while considering the needs and feelings of others.

 

Some ways to help your child express their anger:

·         We can help our children learn to express their anger appropriately by modeling one of these last two methods: choosing to let it go, or express it in an assertive manner. Our child is watching and learning from how we respond when we are angry. When we blow it (and we all do) apologize to the person. This will be a powerful example to your child! You are the one who sets the atmosphere of your home; you are the trainer in anger management. Be a model of someone who manages their anger appropriately.

·         Give your child words for their feelings. When your child hits their sibling, you can say, “You are really anger that your brother destroyed your Lego creation.”

·         Encourage your child to use their words not act out. “Hitting is not allowed, when you are angry (or when your sibling destroys your Lego’s) use your words. You can ask younger children to make a drawing to show how angry they are. (Punching a pillow can be a step in learning to express anger appropriately- it is not what we are aiming for, but it is better than punching a sibling.)

·         Let your child know that you will accept their angry feelings. You can do this verbally as well as non-verbally.

·         Commend your child when they do use their words. “I’m proud of the way you used your words. You didn’t take it out on your sibling.”

 

As I observe people I notice that most people are uncomfortable with anger, and many adults do not know how to express their anger appropriately. What a gift you can give your child by teaching them early that anger is a normal and sometimes helpful part of life, and there are appropriate ways of expressing your anger.

If you have a child who has a real struggle expressing anger I highly recommend reading Ross Campbell MD’s book How to Love Your Angry Child.

 

 

Helping Your Child Express All of their Feelings

While talking about communication I suggested that you listen for the feelings your child is expressing. Most of us are comfortable with our child expressing “positive” feelings such as happy, excited or thankful, but how do you feel when your child is expressing anger, fear or sadness? Ask yourself… in our home are some feelings more acceptable than others? Do you or someone you know give out a clear message that some feelings are NOT acceptable? Most everyone is more comfortable with “positive” feelings, than “negative” feelings. The truth is we all experience a range of emotions from ecstatic to rage. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are, and they indicate what is going on inside of us. I equate feelings with the warning signals on my car dashboard; they alert me to what is going on inside ‘my motor.’ I can ignore the warning signal but that doesn’t mean a problem isn’t there.

As I write this I am reminded of sending our oldest off to college. Often when I told friends how sad I was they would try to talk me out of my sadness, or convince me it was a good that my child was independent and off at college, and more stuff like this. All of this was true, but what I really wanted was someone to hear me and say, “This is really hard for you, you miss your child.” Then I would have felt heard and understood.

I have grown to understand that our children appreciate being heard and validated as well.

Your child will be healthier emotionally and physically if they are able to express all of their feelings in an appropriate way and have their feelings validated. Feelings not expressed will show up in some other way in their life: perhaps through a burst of anger, temper tantrum, depression, stomachache or social withdrawal.

As a parent it is helpful when you try to understand your child’s feelings, name the feeling and validate them (just acknowledge that they exist). If your child says, “I hate my brother” instead of scolding them for mean talk, or trying to talk your child out of their feeling or denying their feeling try responding like this, “wow- you seem really angry that your brother smashed your Lego creation.”  

Or if your child is afraid of going to bed at night, try “I understand that you’re scared, I was scared when I was your age. I’ll come and read you a story and sit with you for a few minutes.” (You acknowledge that your child’s fear is real- you let them know you used to have a similar fear and survived- we all had/have fears). If faith is an important part of your family’s life this is a great time to pray with your child as well.

When your child is crying because her pet goldfish died, it is easy to respond, Honey it’s just a goldfish and we can get you a new one.” A more validating approach would be something like this, “You seem sad, you really liked your goldfish- you will miss it!”

            Remember that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. We all experience a range of feelings. You and your child will be healthier when you are able to express your feelings in a safe place and have them validated. With some practice it will become a natural part of your communication.