Have Fun!

 

Shared experiences provide great memories and draw people together. Even when the experience doesn’t turn out as planned great memories can be made… honestly don’t you remember your mini-disasters more than the days where everything turns out perfect? (Our family will always remember the time the five of us spent the night in one three-person tent, because the zipper on our second tent was broken and the mosquitoes were awful)

So go ahead and plan some fun-time shared experiences (if we don’t plan and schedule them they generally won’t happen) and start creating great memories. Here are some ideas that worded for my family:

·         Family Fun Night: In our home Friday night was “Family Fun Night.” This grew into an important family tradition which could include a wide variety of activities: hiking, picnics, fling kites, going to the park, bike riding, family Olympics, scavenger hunts, crafts, game night, movie night, “camping out” in the living room, bowling… whatever your family enjoys doing together! It gives the message that family is important and we enjoy spending time with our children.

·         Seasonal Traditions: Apple picking, strawberry picking, pumpkin picking, cutting down your own Christmas tree, coloring Easter eggs, carving pumpkins, baking Christmas treats, making valentines, sparklers on the 4^th of July, making snowmen or sledding on the “best” hill when it snows. Traditions are a great way to create family memories.

·         Family Vacations: Try to put in the schedule something that each person enjoys. Set realistic expectations based on the ages and interests of your children.

·         One-on-one time: I can’t overstate the importance of making special one on one time with each child doing something they enjoy. It’s a great way to get to know each child better and let them know they are valued and loved for who they are!

Sometimes life with children gets to be an endless series of things to do and so much time is spent giving children directions and requiring follow through. Yes, these are important but I suggest that having fun and developing positive shared memories with your child is at the top of the “important” list?

Go ahead, I dare you, have fun with your kids. Check that I double-dare you… J

 

 

The Gift of Reading to your Child

What if I told you that I have something to offer you today that will help your child succeed in school…that will help your child live a longer life…help them earn more money…even help your grandchildren (if you ever have them) succeed in school?¹ What I am offering is free, fun and will strengthen your relationship with your child. It is simple: read to your child!

 

Start reading to your infant and keep reading aloud through their teen years. Children’s listening comprehension is greater than their reading comprehension, so stretch their minds. The academic advantages of reading to your children are substantial, but I believe the relational benefits are even greater!

 

When you read snuggle your child close, this is a great way to let your child know you enjoy being with them and love them. As you read you will get to know the same characters, share in the same adventures, travel to the same places, and experience a range of emotions together. The stories you read together become part of your shared memories and will pop up in conversations for years! You may find yourselves playing “Pooh Sticks” while crossing a bridge (Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne). You may discover favorite books and authors. You can read as you travel. For example Brighty of the Grand Canyon, by Marguerite Henry is a great read while visiting Grand Canyon National Park.

 

Reading provides a wonderful part of your bedtime ritual. It allows time to wind down while being physically close. Some children’s books have beautiful illustrations; take time to enjoy the art! Enjoy the journey that the book offers. Reading also offers a fun way to pass on good values (The Story of Ruby Bridges by Robert Coles). As they grow older you can take your child to the library or book store and let them select a book.

 

If you need help selecting books talk to your librarian or check out Honey for a Child’s Heart by Gladys Hunt or Jim Trelease’s The Read-Aloud Handbook. Most importantly: enjoy this special time spent with your sons and daughters!

 

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¹. Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook p.xxiv

 

Best Case Outcome for Children of Divorce # 4

 

I know you want your child/ren to thrive despite separation and divorce. Another thing you and your ex can do to help your child is agree to minimize the changes in your child’s life. If possible keep your child in the same home and school. Agree with your ex on the best routine for your child (not you or your ex’s best routine; the best routine for your child) and be consistent in both homes. Agree to the rules for homework, bedtime, behavior, chores, going out, etc. Younger children in particular need a normal daily routine.

If your child goes back and forth between homes make sure they have everything they need: things for school, clothing and special personal items. Does your child have a special blanket or toy they sleep with- make sure it goes with them and is returned.

Along with this, allow your child time to adjust to the separation and divorce before introducing them to a potential partner. You may not like this but giving your child at least a year (truthfully it probably takes several years) before a new adult is introduced into their lives really helps. Even after this period of allowing your child to adjust to the divorce, wait until you are in a serious committed relationship before introducing your child to your potential partner.

In some cases your ex will be unwilling to following these guidelines. You cannot change or control your ex-spouse’s behavior but you can change and control yourself. It takes two to tango. You can refuse to argue in front of your children or put them in the middle of disagreements. You can make the choice to do what is best for your children. Take responsibility for your own behavior. This will be hard at times, but it provides the best case for your child to survive even thrive through your divorce.

I recommend the book Helping Children Survive Divorce by Dr. Archibald D. Hart for more help in parenting your child through separation and divorce.

 

Best Case Outcome for Children of Divorce Blog 3

Previously we addressed self care, seeing the divorce through your child’s perspective, and encouraging your child to have a healthy relationship with your ex. Today I want to encourage you to help your child to talk about his/her feelings.

Some children will act out; some will use regressive behaviors; others will withdraw and become quiet, some appear to be the “perfect child.” Make a mental note that behavior is communication. Most children experience a range of feelings, probably including sadness, anger, guilt and fear.

Your child needs permission to express their feelings and they need you to be available to listen to them and to accept whatever they are feeling. Your child needs you now more than ever. Try to set aside a regular time each day to be alone with your child without distractions.

Remember, look at divorce through your child’s eyes. They did nothing to cause the divorce, yet they suffer many consequences from the divorce… they don’t have the same access to each parent, routines have been changed, they may be going back and forth between two homes several times a week, perhaps they have to move or change schools. They may wonder, “If mom and dad stopped loving each other maybe they will stop loving me” or “if mom/dad left maybe the other parent will leave too.”

Expect your child to have problems with acting out, eating and sleeping. Children do not have the coping skills needed to handle stress. Instead of punishing a child who is more aggressive since the divorce, try putting your arm around them and give words to their feelings. You might say something like, “I see you are throwing your toys, I imagine you are angry because you miss your mom/dad, tell me what that’s like.” For young children you might encourage them to draw how angry they are.

It is normal for your child to be angry, sad, guilty or fearful after a divorce. Kept inside these feelings will cause your child harm. They need you to encourage them to express these feelings in healthy ways.

Helping children survive even thrive during divorce isn’t easy, but it is possible…

 

Best Case Outcome for Children of Divorce Blog 2

 

In my last blog I addressed three basics for helping children survive even thrive through a divorce. First and most importantly, the adults going through divorce need to take care of themselves emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually. You need to continue with this self-care. Secondly, I attempted to communicate that adults need to view the divorce through the child’s perspective. Third, make sure you continue to let you child/ren know that nothing they did or said caused the divorce.

Another critical factor in helping children thrive following divorce is parents doing whatever they can to encourage an ongoing positive relationship with the other parent. “There is, I believe, universal agreement among counselors that the most crucial factors contributing to a good readjustment by divorced children are a stable, loving environment and a continuing relationship with BOTH REAL PARENTS”* (Hart 146). Did you hear that? This may be the HARDEST thing for you to do. You likely have some very strong negative feelings toward your ex, now is the time to separate your issues with your ex from what is best for your child. Just because your ex was not a good spouse does not mean they are not a good parent. Children need to be allowed to love and be loved by both parents!

Here are some practical things you can do to make it easier for your child:

• Set up a regular visitation schedule, children feel more secure when they know when and for how long the visitation will occur. Younger children need more frequent visits to maintain the relationship.
• Never criticize your ex in front of your child. When you and your child do talk about your ex remain neutral and supportive.
• Communicate directly with your ex: Don’t send any messages through your children. If it is difficult for the two of you to talk directly use email or a third neutral party; do not make your child get in the middle of your conflicts or disagreements.

I know this will be difficult, but it is one of the best gifts you can give your children in the aftermath of divorce.

 

 

*Dr. Archibald Hart: Helping Children Survive Divorce; What to Expect; How to Help