Best Case Outcome for Children of Divorce # 1

 

My next few blogs will focus on helping children when their parents divorce. Although this topic might not apply directly to your family, most everyone has a friend or family member who has gone through a divorce. Extended family and friends can be a tremendous support to children whose families are experiencing separation or divorce.

 

From my experience and observation I say without hesitation, “You can help your children thrive despite separation and divorce.” I also know that this will not be an easy, but I repeat it is possible.

The biggest obstacle is that you too are experiencing the pain of divorce. Every divorce is different, and every divorce involves some pain, loss of dreams, and fear of the future. Many divorces leave one or both spouses devastated. It is of utmost importance that you take care of yourself! You need trusted family, friends, a support group or therapist to support and encourage you. Do whatever is necessary to take care of your physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs. The better you take care of yourself, the better you can care for your child. Do not expect or allow your minor child to be the one person meeting your needs. You need to get your needs met by healthy adults, only then can you provide the kind of care that will allow your child to thrive despite the divorce.

Second, work at viewing what your child is going through from their perspective. Children are not “little adults.” The family plays a huge role in the world of a child, and the family is now undergoing a drastic change. Young children believe the world revolves around them and may feel something they did caused the divorce. Even older children often blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. When you first tell your children about the divorce (ideally both parents should do this together) let them know that it has nothing to do with them. Let them know, as clearly as you are able, that mom and dad did not do what was needed to take care of the marriage relationship and that mom and dad are no longer able to work things out and live together, or whatever the case may be. Let your children know often that they had nothing to do with the divorce.

Third, make it clear that both parents still love them. Help them understand that even though you and your spouse will no longer be husband and wife, you are still their mom and dad and that you love them and will be there for them; be honest and truthful, only say this if it is true.

More on helping your child with divorce in my next blog…

 

Clothing Allowance

 

For those of you living on a budget I wonder if you’ve ever taken your child clothes shopping only to end up in a battle over which jeans to buy. Your child wants the $100 jeans, and you think the $20 pair is just fine. Your child needs a pair of jeans- but which ones do you purchase? Tensions may rise and this shopping experience is anything but a pleasure. I know I hated the incessant bickering over jeans and shoes and… then we hit upon a wonderful solution, a clothing allowance.  First choose a dollar amount that makes sense based on your own budget and income. For example you decide your 10 year old will get $100 clothing allowance a month. Next decide exactly what the allowance is expected to cover; are shoes, winter coats & hats and undergarments included? Third, clearly communicate all this to your child.

I recommend giving your child the cash on a set day each month; we held the clothing cash for our children so that they couldn’t spend it on other stuff. Now when you and your child go shopping allow your daughter/son to purchase what they want using their own money. When the money is gone, it’s gone; they will have to wait until next month before they can buy anything else. If they choose the expensive jeans then that is all they can buy that month. And if they don’t have enough money for the latest fashion item then they can save their money for a month or so until they have the money to buy it. Since they are responsible for their purchases the battle over what to buy is gone. Often your children will make different clothing choices than you would have made for them, you have to learn to live with this and resist the temptation to coerce them into buying the things you think they should buy.

You know your child and their capabilities; the goal is to teach them responsibility. It remains your job to make sure they have the essentials. If the allowance you choose isn’t capable of purchasing a winter coat and boots then don’t include those items in the list of clothing they are responsible to purchase with their allowance. You may want to begin by having your child buy their own school and play clothes and you will take care of shoes and coats. Age 10, depending on your son/daughter’s maturity, is generally a good age to start giving your child a clothing allowance.

By using a clothing allowance, your child will learn that there is a limit on the amount of money they can spend on clothing, and will learn to choose what is most important to them. A clothing allowance is a practical way to teach your child how to live on a budget- something all adults need to know!

A closing allowance worked wonderfully for our family, let me know how this works for you and your child.

 

Children and Allowance

 

The other day a friend asked me what I thought about giving children allowances. I thought perhaps some of you were wondering about this as well.

 

There are two different ways to approach allowance. Children can “earn” their allowance by doing certain chores; or children automatically get a set allowance. I prefer to give a set amount per week to each child. My goal is to teach children how to handle money. If they only get money for doing chores some kids will never have any money! Personally I believe it is important for each child to have a job, they do this job because they are part of the family and in a family we all work together. I believe having a job (pick up toys, make bed, take out the trash…something age appropriate) gives a child a sense of worth and belonging.

 

I suggest giving an allowance based on the age of your child, say $1 a week for each year (five year old gets $5, 10 year old gets $10). On the same day every week (say Saturday) give your child their allowance in cash. You decide what the money is to be used for and clearly communicate that to your child. If you value giving to church or a charity now is the time to begin training your child, i.e. have them give away 10% of their allowance. Decide if the money is to be used to buy birthday gifts when they go to a party, extra snack at school, try to think through every scenario and clearly let your child know what they will be responsible for now that they have money.

 

Now your child has their own money, when you go to the store and they “have to have something” they can use their own money to buy it. They will discover what a dollar will buy. They will learn that when they spend all of their money at once they won’t have anything for the rest of the week. If they want something “big” they will learn to save their money until they have enough to buy it. This gives them the opportunity to think about something before making a “big” purchase, to decide if it is really something they want or just an impulse.

 

Understand that your child will make choices that you think are not wise- remember this is their money and they are learning- they have to make their own mistakes.

 

You can start giving a child allowance around age three. How wonderful to begin to understand the value of a dollar, and making choices at a young age, when the risks are just a few dollars- instead of learning the hard way as an adult where the costs are much higher!

 

Unconditional Love

 

In my last blog I asked you to observe your interactions with your child for a few days. What do you think you are communicating to your child?  How do you think your child is receiving it? How much of your interaction with your child is spent getting to know your child and conveying your love vs. giving commands or directions?

 

Let’s look at some practical ways you can communicate your unconditional love for your child. 

 

Communicate on their level and provide positive eye contact. If you are still taller than your child I suggest you get down on their level and look into their eyes when you talk to them. Try to make sure you give “positive” eye contact- when you tell your child how much you love them, or talk to them about their day. Tell them specific things you like and appreciate about them, such as “I like the way you invited Sally to join the ball game, you are a good friend” or “you did your job with a great attitude!” Try to make sure your positive comments far out number your negative comments and that they are real! Often we use eye contact when we set limits with our child, try to balance that by also using eye contact during positive communication with your child.

 

Give meaningful touch often. All children (and adults) need meaningful touch. This will look differently at different ages. Obviously babies need lots of touch, they are held when they are fed or need to be comforted. With toddlers you can give lots of hugs and kisses, snuggle or have them sit on your lap while you read. Older children still need meaningful touch; you can sit next to them watching a movie, enjoy playful wrestling, place an arm around the shoulder, or offer a back rub before bed.

 

Have some fun! Enjoy the time you spend with your child! I suggest entering your child’s world whether it is the world of princesses and tea parties, building stuff, enjoying arts & crafts, playing ball, dancing, exploring nature or playing board games. Spend time doing what your child enjoys. Let your child KNOW that you enjoy being with them. (This means turning the TV off, putting down what you are reading and turning your Blackberry to silent).

 

Getting to know our child and loving them is the great part of parenting! Isn’t it what you dreamed of when you decided to have children? Yet too often it gets lost in the busyness of daily life. Enjoy these times! And an added bonus is when your child really feels loved by you their behavior will be MUCH easier to manage!

 

If you are a reader and would like more information on this topic, I suggest reading, How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell MD and The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell MD.

 

Love and Limits- Read this Blog First

 

I started my blogs writing several on discipline. I had just given a talk on discipline so it was fresh and easy to write about. If I could start over I would post this blog first. Do me a favor and pretend this is my first blog!

 

I think parenting can be summed up in just four words: Unconditional Love & Reasonable Limits. All children need structure (limits) and nurture (love).  These two qualities are intricately intertwined. If you truly love your child you will set reasonable limits. To be effective reasonable limits need to be set in an atmosphere of love. Unconditional love and reasonable limits can’t exist without each other.

 

It seems to me that blogs, books and talks on parenting often emphasize the structure or limit setting aspect of parenting and de-emphasize the need for unconditional love. I prefer to emphasize the need for unconditional love as first importance. I believe unconditional love is what we all need, parents and children alike. To know you are loved unconditionally means you are loved regardless of how you look or dress, what your grades are, how you perform in your sport or music, what your behavior is, how well you clean your room or do your chore, what college accepts you, or if your interests are different than mine. To become emotionally mature adults our children need to KNOW they are loved!

 

I feel most parents really do love their children yet sometimes we struggle with communicating that in a way our children can receive. Perhaps in the stress of each day we emphasize the rules, limits, expectations and neglect to enjoy our child and let them know they are loved.

 

Over the next couple of days pay attention to your time with your child. How much of your time and communication is about tasks, getting up, dressed, teeth brushed, out the door, homework done… and how much energy and time goes into enjoying your child, getting to know them and communicating your love for them? Pay close attention to your interaction with your child and ask yourself, “Is there healthy balance, am I communicating my love to my child?” My next blog will give some practical ways to express your love with your child.

 

Discipline: Follow Through and Staying Emotionally Connected

Once you have reasonable expectations for your child and have communicated your expectations to your child so they understand them and the consequences of their behavior you need to follow through.

It is so important that you be consistent. If you told your child they need to clean their room before going to play with a friend you need to follow through. It is your job as the parent to set the guidelines and it is your child’s job to resist and test those guidelines. This is when you need to calmly stand firm. You can say, “Feel free to play with Johnny when your room is clean.”

I know it’s impossible to be consistent all of the time. Yet the truth is the more consistent you are the easier life will be for both you and your child. It isn’t fair, but studies show that giving into a child every once in a while on a random basis is the best way to reinforce your child’s resistant behavior.

Notice I said to calmly stand firm. It is important to stay emotionally connected. There is no reason to yell or scream. Empathize with your child, you can say, “what a bummer, you chose not to clean your room so now you can’t play with Johnny, I hope next time you choose to clean your room.” or “I know how much you like to play with Johnny, it’s sad you can’t play today.” When your child does clean their room rejoice with them, when they do not let them know you still love and care for them.

The natural or reasonable consequences are what will train our children to make different choices next time. All children NEED to stay emotionally connected to their parents. They need to know they are loved and accepted regardless of their behavior! Yes, it is possible to get the behavior you want by becoming angry or withdrawing your love from your child, however this is not helping them to internalize self control. They will be acting out of fear, and when you are not around their behavior will not be what you want it to be.

Enough said on discipline, my next blog will move onto a new topic. Feel free to communicate with me if you have any questions or are running into problems implementing these discipline strategies.

 

 

Discipline: Using Natural or Reasonable Consequences

Once you have reasonable expectations for your child it is important to make sure your child understands exactly what you expect, and what the consequences will be. I believe children should know before hand what is expected, it doesn’t seem fair to unexpectedly drop consequences on them. So when all is calm sit down and lovingly look into your child’s eyes and explain in simple terms what you want, and what the consequences will be. For example, “Before you can play with Tommy your room needs to be cleaned, that means put your clean clothes in the drawers, dirty clothes in the hamper and toys in the toy box. When that is done you can play with Tommy.” You can ask your child to repeat back to you what is expected. Depending on the age of your child you can make a list of the items, or a poster with pictures of what is expected. Obviously for young children you will have them do only one thing at a time. Now your child knows what is expected and what will happen when she does/doesn’t do what is expected. It is now her/his choice.

Here’s another example, if your child is whiny and disruptive at dinner you can calmly let them know that you don’t want to be around this behavior, if they continue behaving that way they can go to their room. When they decide to use a “nice voice” you would love to have them return and join you for dinner.

You want to use natural consequences whenever possible. If your child routinely has trouble getting up for school in the morning and misses the bus, the natural consequence can be they can walk to school (with you following closely to make sure they’re safe, depending on their age), or use their allowance to pay for a taxi.

When there are no natural consequences make sure the imposed consequences are reasonable and short term. The examples I gave above I would consider “reasonable and short term.” To tell the child that missed the bus that they would have to walk to school for a week might be unreasonable. Taking away a privilege for a week for a minor offense can cause the child to become angry, resentful and take away motivation for behaving for the rest of the week. The object is to teach our children that there are consequences for behavior and to instill self-control in them.

The younger the child the more important it is for the consequences to be immediate, you want the child to associate the consequence with the behavior. For example if your toddler is not playing nicely he/she can be removed from play for a short time.

 This method works for most children, if you find it’s not working for your child there may be other issues going on such as attention or learning problems.

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with reasonable consequences, so again, I encourage you to talk with your spouse, other parents or teachers. If you have specific questions regarding behavior or natural consequences post a comment or drop me an email and I’ll get back to you.

I also recommend reading the books, Raising Great Kids or Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

 

 

 

Discipline: Realistic Expectations for Each Child

In my last blog I outlined the concept of discipline in 300 words. The goal was to keep it short and give you the big picture, but I left out some details. In my next couple of blogs I’ll go into more detail on the different principles of discipline.

The first guideline is: Make sure the behavior you expect is reasonable for the age and maturity of your child.

It would be nice if we could make a list of what is reasonable to expect from all children at a specific age- but each child is unique and matures at their own pace. As adults I think we error on the side of thinking the child is more mature than they are. We believe they understand exactly what we mean when we say, “clean your room,” or that they remember everything we asked them to do or not do.

Here are some very basic guidelines:

üAround 12 months old a child can begin to learn to respond to the word “no.”

üFrom ages one to three children can generally understand that obeying your “no” brings good things and ignoring your “no” brings discomfort (i.e. time out, removal of toy, etc.).

üAround ages three to five children can learn how to treat others kindly, do some basic household chores (picking up toys, putting away clean clothes- remember they are children and will not be able to complete the task as quickly or neatly as you, an adult!)  

üOnce children are in school they will have homework and want more time with friends. Select a time and place for homework that works for your child keeping in mind that young children generally need time to run and play after a long day of school.

Now when considering discipline, remember not to discipline when your children act child-like. They are children. If they spill their milk or break something by accident you can say something like, “uh-oh the milk spilled,” then show them how to clean it up. Even a three or four year old can get a towel and soak up a spill. You want to provide reasonable consequences (more on that next time) when your child willfully disobeys.

Since there are no universal guidelines on what to expect from each child, it may be helpful to talk about it with your spouse, friends, or child’s teacher. It’s important to make sure that your child is capable of doing what you are asking of them. We want to set our children up for success!