My next few blogs will focus on helping children when their parents divorce. Although this topic might not apply directly to your family, most everyone has a friend or family member who has gone through a divorce. Extended family and friends can be a tremendous support to children whose families are experiencing separation or divorce.
From my experience and observation I say without hesitation, “You can help your children thrive despite separation and divorce.” I also know that this will not be an easy, but I repeat it is possible.
The biggest obstacle is that you too are experiencing the pain of divorce. Every divorce is different, and every divorce involves some pain, loss of dreams, and fear of the future. Many divorces leave one or both spouses devastated. It is of utmost importance that you take care of yourself! You need trusted family, friends, a support group or therapist to support and encourage you. Do whatever is necessary to take care of your physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs. The better you take care of yourself, the better you can care for your child. Do not expect or allow your minor child to be the one person meeting your needs. You need to get your needs met by healthy adults, only then can you provide the kind of care that will allow your child to thrive despite the divorce.
Second, work at viewing what your child is going through from their perspective. Children are not “little adults.” The family plays a huge role in the world of a child, and the family is now undergoing a drastic change. Young children believe the world revolves around them and may feel something they did caused the divorce. Even older children often blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. When you first tell your children about the divorce (ideally both parents should do this together) let them know that it has nothing to do with them. Let them know, as clearly as you are able, that mom and dad did not do what was needed to take care of the marriage relationship and that mom and dad are no longer able to work things out and live together, or whatever the case may be. Let your children know often that they had nothing to do with the divorce.
Third, make it clear that both parents still love them. Help them understand that even though you and your spouse will no longer be husband and wife, you are still their mom and dad and that you love them and will be there for them; be honest and truthful, only say this if it is true.
More on helping your child with divorce in my next blog…
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