Best Case Outcome for Children of Divorce Blog 2

 

In my last blog I addressed three basics for helping children survive even thrive through a divorce. First and most importantly, the adults going through divorce need to take care of themselves emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually. You need to continue with this self-care. Secondly, I attempted to communicate that adults need to view the divorce through the child’s perspective. Third, make sure you continue to let you child/ren know that nothing they did or said caused the divorce.

Another critical factor in helping children thrive following divorce is parents doing whatever they can to encourage an ongoing positive relationship with the other parent. “There is, I believe, universal agreement among counselors that the most crucial factors contributing to a good readjustment by divorced children are a stable, loving environment and a continuing relationship with BOTH REAL PARENTS”* (Hart 146). Did you hear that? This may be the HARDEST thing for you to do. You likely have some very strong negative feelings toward your ex, now is the time to separate your issues with your ex from what is best for your child. Just because your ex was not a good spouse does not mean they are not a good parent. Children need to be allowed to love and be loved by both parents!

Here are some practical things you can do to make it easier for your child:

• Set up a regular visitation schedule, children feel more secure when they know when and for how long the visitation will occur. Younger children need more frequent visits to maintain the relationship.
• Never criticize your ex in front of your child. When you and your child do talk about your ex remain neutral and supportive.
• Communicate directly with your ex: Don’t send any messages through your children. If it is difficult for the two of you to talk directly use email or a third neutral party; do not make your child get in the middle of your conflicts or disagreements.

I know this will be difficult, but it is one of the best gifts you can give your children in the aftermath of divorce.

 

 

*Dr. Archibald Hart: Helping Children Survive Divorce; What to Expect; How to Help