What is anger? When do you feel anger? How do you express your anger? Is anger good or bad? When is anger good, when is it bad? How does your child express anger? What is your response to your child’s anger?
Anger as defined by dictionary.com- noun.
- A strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.
In The Anger Workbook Les Carter & Frank Minirth define anger as: an intent to preserve 1. Personal worth (need to feel respected or valued) 2. Essential needs and 3. Basic convictions.
Some angry moms came up with a great organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). When people get angry about poverty and injustice social change will occur. There are many good reasons for us to feel anger. The problem comes with how we express anger.
We have some choices:
· Suppress our anger, push it down, and pretend it doesn’t exist. (It will rear it’s ugly head in another way) A child may choose this method if they feel the authority figure will not allow anger.
· Use aggression, somebody else suffers as a result of our anger. Such as the child who hits the sibling who destroys their Lego creation.
· Use Passive/Aggressive Anger: somebody else suffers as a result of our anger, but it’s done in a quieter manner, not as easily identified. An example of this would be the child who is angry at their parents so they purposely do poorly in school.
· Let it go. You can decide that it’s not worth taking action or you are unable to control the circumstances so you can choose to let it go. The older sibling may realize that the toddler accidently destroyed the Lego creation and choose to let it go.
· Express our anger in an assertive manner. This is done by expressing your anger verbally directly with the person with whom you are angry while considering the needs and feelings of others.
Some ways to help your child express their anger:
· We can help our children learn to express their anger appropriately by modeling one of these last two methods: choosing to let it go, or express it in an assertive manner. Our child is watching and learning from how we respond when we are angry. When we blow it (and we all do) apologize to the person. This will be a powerful example to your child! You are the one who sets the atmosphere of your home; you are the trainer in anger management. Be a model of someone who manages their anger appropriately.
· Give your child words for their feelings. When your child hits their sibling, you can say, “You are really anger that your brother destroyed your Lego creation.”
· Encourage your child to use their words not act out. “Hitting is not allowed, when you are angry (or when your sibling destroys your Lego’s) use your words. You can ask younger children to make a drawing to show how angry they are. (Punching a pillow can be a step in learning to express anger appropriately- it is not what we are aiming for, but it is better than punching a sibling.)
· Let your child know that you will accept their angry feelings. You can do this verbally as well as non-verbally.
· Commend your child when they do use their words. “I’m proud of the way you used your words. You didn’t take it out on your sibling.”
As I observe people I notice that most people are uncomfortable with anger, and many adults do not know how to express their anger appropriately. What a gift you can give your child by teaching them early that anger is a normal and sometimes helpful part of life, and there are appropriate ways of expressing your anger.
If you have a child who has a real struggle expressing anger I highly recommend reading Ross Campbell MD’s book How to Love Your Angry Child.
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