Technology and Kids: Parenting in our Digital World

Let’s start with the youngest children: birth to 2 years

The American Pediatric Association recommends no “screens” for children under the age of two. Yet 49% of children aged 12-23 months are watching TV^*. Therefore almost 50% of children ages 1-2 are watching TV. You are not a terrible parent if your child is one of them. Yet it is important to LIMIT the amount of time your child spends in front of a screen. Before age two your child will not benefit from watching “screens.” Their job is to explore their world and interact with people. They want to touch, taste, smell, see, and hear their world. Screens are not a substitute for human interaction.

 

It is also important WHAT your child is watching. If they are watching TV it should be educational programs designed for their age group. Much research shows that boys who watch violent programming are more likely to develop attention problems.

 

Three keys:

·         Keep the TV out of their bedrooms!

·         Know what your child is watching.

·         Keep the TV off when nobody is watching it.

 

Instead of putting your baby in front of a screen to occupy her time try to have toys, pots & pans or age appropriate crafts available to keep them entertained when you need a few minutes to get something done.

 

Next time we’ll look at what’s appropriate for your Preschoolers.

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*Unplug your Kids by David Dutwin

 

 

Technology and Kids: Parenting in our Digital World

 

Today I’m going to start a series of blogs about how to parent our children in the digital age. Most of us are “digital immigrants” (born before 1990) and we are raising “digital natives.” As any immigrant population the new culture and language seems foreign to us, yet the digital world is our children’s “home.” It’s important that we learn the new language and culture so we can appropriately parent our children.

 

Computers, I-Pads, The Internet, Social Media -Facebook, Twitter, Computer Games, Hand Held Computer Games, Cell Phones, Smart Phones, IMing, Movies on Demand, Hundreds of TV channels… our society is bombarded with digital messages! What’s a parent to do?

 

When your child enters Kindergarten you don’t send them out the door on their own with directions how to walk to school. You walk with them, teach them how to cross the street, and make sure they get to school. When they’re a few years older you may allow them to walk with friends, and when even older they can walk on their own. When they turn 16 you don’t give them the keys to the car and send them out without any training or instructions. We know how to parent “off line,” yet sometimes we can be intimidated or fearful of parenting “on-line.” We need to parent “on-line” just as we parent “off-line.”

 

My Philosophy is simple:

• There is much that is good about using digital media, computers and the internet.
• There are some things to be concerned about too.
• There are many things you can do to protect your child from the dangers that do exist.
• We need to parent “on line” just as we do “off line.”

 

In the next couple of blogs I’ll break down the age groups and take a look at what is appropriate for each age group and maturity level.

 

Here’s a quick and simple overview:

• Know what your child is doing online
• Set an appropriate limit for total amount of screen time per day.
• Select age appropriate TV shows, movies, computer programs, video games, internet sites….
• Make sure there is time for physical play, social interaction and reading each day.

 

 

Self Care

 

Parenting is a tough job! It requires long hours, lots of emotional and physical energy, much wisdom and at times it seems like there are few rewards. Add to that the huge impact your parenting has on your child and it is easy to feel overwhelmed. Just as the steward on the airplane instructs you to put your oxygen mask on BEFORE putting on your child’s - I am suggesting that you take care of yourself so you are best able to care for your child!

Parenting is a physically, emotionally, spiritually and relationally demanding task. You need to be in good shape! Take care of yourself!

• Physically:
• Eat healthily (don’t skip meals, eat a well balanced breakfast and lunch with lots of protein to give you energy for the day).
• Exercise- depending on the age of your child, you may need to get creative here, find a Y or gym with child care; get outside and actively play with your child, take walks with them or do a home exercise DVD. Exercise will increase your energy and improve your mood.
• Get a good night sleep- I know this can seem impossible, especially with newborns. Do the best you can, forget about those extra tasks and go to bed early. It is okay to take a nap when your child naps.
• Emotionally:
• See above; if you are eating right, exercising and sleeping you will be healthier emotionally.
• Do things you enjoy- make a list of your favorite things (i.e. reading, music, bubble baths, sports, hobbies, sleeping…) now try to spend a little time each day doing something you enjoy.
• Relationally:
• Keep connected with people you enjoy. Make time to connect with those who encourage you and bring you joy- in person if possible, but there’s always email, Facebook and phone. When our children were young I found being with friends who also had young children to be a lifeline. The kids enjoyed being together and I had adult conversation!
• Spiritually:
• Read (for me, it’s the Bible)
• Meditate & Pray
• Get together with others of your faith

 

These areas overlap with each other, it is really impossible to separate them completely. This is just one way of looking at your life and making sure you are caring for all areas of your life. Put your oxygen mask on first- make sure you are strong and healthy then you will be prepared to parent well!

 

Sleep Problems

 

One common concern I hear over and over again is parents having trouble getting their child to go to bed, stay in bed and fall asleep. For young children this can be a symptom of separation anxiety which is a common developmental stage. Sometimes sleep problems are a result of anxiety or poor sleep habits. Some children just don’t want to miss out on what is going on.

 

The best way to minimize common sleep problems is to have a consistent and enjoyable bedtime routine. This routine should start at the same time every day. The routine can consist of a light healthy snack, bath time, reading stories, listening to calming music or perhaps a back rub. This is a great time for physical touch and to talk to your child about their day and saying prayers. It’s calming if the routine is the same every night, and the child knows what to expect. If your child is still taking naps, it’s important to keep their nap time as regular as possible as well.

 

For all children and especially those who have trouble falling asleep I suggest no television or “screens” (computers, video games etc.) for an hour before bedtime. These activities stimulate the brain and make it harder to fall asleep.

 

What your child eats and drinks can affect their ability to fall asleep.  Avoid beverages with caffeine. Make sure your child has a balanced evening meal including some lean protein, avoid foods high in sugar

 

Getting lots of physical activity also helps a child sleep better, however you don’t want this to be in the 2-3 hours before bedtime.

 

Your child’s bedtime environment should be the same each night (cool, quiet and dark).

 

I know life is busy and can be unpredictable. However sleep is essential to your child’s health and growth. Children who get enough sleep function better and have fewer behavioral problems. Those benefits are worth some effort in changing your daily routine!

 

ANGER!

What is anger? When do you feel anger? How do you express your anger? Is anger good or bad? When is anger good, when is it bad? How does your child express anger? What is your response to your child’s anger?

 

Anger as defined by dictionary.com- noun.

1. A strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

 

In The Anger Workbook Les Carter & Frank Minirth define anger as: an intent to preserve 1. Personal worth (need to feel respected or valued) 2. Essential needs and 3. Basic convictions.

 

Some angry moms came up with a great organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). When people get angry about poverty and injustice social change will occur. There are many good reasons for us to feel anger.  The problem comes with how we express anger.

We have some choices:

·         Suppress our anger, push it down, and pretend it doesn’t exist. (It will rear it’s ugly head in another way) A child may choose this method if they feel the authority figure will not allow anger.

·         Use aggression, somebody else suffers as a result of our anger. Such as the child who hits the sibling who destroys their Lego creation.

·         Use Passive/Aggressive Anger: somebody else suffers as a result of our anger, but it’s done in a quieter manner, not as easily identified. An example of this would be the child who is angry at their parents so they purposely do poorly in school.

·         Let it go. You can decide that it’s not worth taking action or you are unable to control the circumstances so you can choose to let it go. The older sibling may realize that the toddler accidently destroyed the Lego creation and choose to let it go.

·         Express our anger in an assertive manner. This is done by expressing your anger verbally directly with the person with whom you are angry while considering the needs and feelings of others.

 

Some ways to help your child express their anger:

·         We can help our children learn to express their anger appropriately by modeling one of these last two methods: choosing to let it go, or express it in an assertive manner. Our child is watching and learning from how we respond when we are angry. When we blow it (and we all do) apologize to the person. This will be a powerful example to your child! You are the one who sets the atmosphere of your home; you are the trainer in anger management. Be a model of someone who manages their anger appropriately.

·         Give your child words for their feelings. When your child hits their sibling, you can say, “You are really anger that your brother destroyed your Lego creation.”

·         Encourage your child to use their words not act out. “Hitting is not allowed, when you are angry (or when your sibling destroys your Lego’s) use your words. You can ask younger children to make a drawing to show how angry they are. (Punching a pillow can be a step in learning to express anger appropriately- it is not what we are aiming for, but it is better than punching a sibling.)

·         Let your child know that you will accept their angry feelings. You can do this verbally as well as non-verbally.

·         Commend your child when they do use their words. “I’m proud of the way you used your words. You didn’t take it out on your sibling.”

 

As I observe people I notice that most people are uncomfortable with anger, and many adults do not know how to express their anger appropriately. What a gift you can give your child by teaching them early that anger is a normal and sometimes helpful part of life, and there are appropriate ways of expressing your anger.

If you have a child who has a real struggle expressing anger I highly recommend reading Ross Campbell MD’s book How to Love Your Angry Child.

 

 

Helping Your Child Express All of their Feelings

While talking about communication I suggested that you listen for the feelings your child is expressing. Most of us are comfortable with our child expressing “positive” feelings such as happy, excited or thankful, but how do you feel when your child is expressing anger, fear or sadness? Ask yourself… in our home are some feelings more acceptable than others? Do you or someone you know give out a clear message that some feelings are NOT acceptable? Most everyone is more comfortable with “positive” feelings, than “negative” feelings. The truth is we all experience a range of emotions from ecstatic to rage. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are, and they indicate what is going on inside of us. I equate feelings with the warning signals on my car dashboard; they alert me to what is going on inside ‘my motor.’ I can ignore the warning signal but that doesn’t mean a problem isn’t there.

As I write this I am reminded of sending our oldest off to college. Often when I told friends how sad I was they would try to talk me out of my sadness, or convince me it was a good that my child was independent and off at college, and more stuff like this. All of this was true, but what I really wanted was someone to hear me and say, “This is really hard for you, you miss your child.” Then I would have felt heard and understood.

I have grown to understand that our children appreciate being heard and validated as well.

Your child will be healthier emotionally and physically if they are able to express all of their feelings in an appropriate way and have their feelings validated. Feelings not expressed will show up in some other way in their life: perhaps through a burst of anger, temper tantrum, depression, stomachache or social withdrawal.

As a parent it is helpful when you try to understand your child’s feelings, name the feeling and validate them (just acknowledge that they exist). If your child says, “I hate my brother” instead of scolding them for mean talk, or trying to talk your child out of their feeling or denying their feeling try responding like this, “wow- you seem really angry that your brother smashed your Lego creation.”  

Or if your child is afraid of going to bed at night, try “I understand that you’re scared, I was scared when I was your age. I’ll come and read you a story and sit with you for a few minutes.” (You acknowledge that your child’s fear is real- you let them know you used to have a similar fear and survived- we all had/have fears). If faith is an important part of your family’s life this is a great time to pray with your child as well.

When your child is crying because her pet goldfish died, it is easy to respond, Honey it’s just a goldfish and we can get you a new one.” A more validating approach would be something like this, “You seem sad, you really liked your goldfish- you will miss it!”

            Remember that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. We all experience a range of feelings. You and your child will be healthier when you are able to express your feelings in a safe place and have them validated. With some practice it will become a natural part of your communication.

 

Lessons in Listening Number 3

 

Here’s a simple and effective communication tool I learned from: How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk (a book I highly recommend).

After you listen with full attention (listening blog #1), and restated back to your child the feelings you heard them express (listening blog #2), try giving your child their wishes in fantasy. A simple example might go like this: when your daughter wants a strawberry yogurt and all you have is blueberry you could reply, “You really want strawberry yogurt- I wish I had some to give you!” Through this response you let her know you heard her and wish you could give her what she wants. You can follow up by saying, “we do have blueberry yogurt, would you like some of that?”

I have often seen this simple technique defuse a possible battle.

Perhaps it is a rainy day and your son is complaining about not being able to play outside. He might even complain or whine, “There is nothing to do inside!” How about responding, “What a bummer, you can’t go outside and play today, I wish I could snap my fingers and make this a beautiful sunny day so you could go outside and play.”

I remember a time years ago, we had just moved and my 7 year old was sad and missing his old friends. I said, “I wish we could have them all come and visit! What would you want to do with them?” Our conversation turned to what he would like to do with his friends, and what he would want to show them in his new community. I sensed that he felt heard and his feelings were understood. And as he talked about what he would show old friends it gave him an opportunity to express himself more.

I remember when I first read about “giving your child their wishes in fantasy” I thought that was too simple. It couldn’t possibly work. Yet over and over as I tried it I watched it help my children feel understood. Give it a try and let me know if it works for you!